Friday, March 10, 2006


I know I keep saying I'm through with the divorce topic, but I can't not write about it at all. Just trying to keep it to a minimum. Yet, this post does seem like a coda of sorts.

The last week or so, my wife and I have been on even terms. Most of our conversations revolve around the logistics of what is happening, regarding her move on Monday, the financial arrangements, AJ's care. We've also been dividing up the more personal items in our possession: CDs, photos, etc. It can be, at times, otherworldly, staring at a picture we had taken in Vegas, both of us grinning and happy then, completely happy, and figuring out who gets to keep it. Some of those photos have caused me minor tilt, but I don't have the appetite for more recriminations. It's over. No use going back into the Octagon.

But it's also because my sadness has given way to more pensive reflection, a less emotional rendering of events, both past and present. My anger has subsided, replaced by someething more akin to resignation. And I'm okay. Really, technically, day-to-day operations "okay," while still acknowledging there are more blind curves and unseen pot holes to navigate.

This morning, my wife and I were discussing one of these logistical issues as we passed in the hallway. I finished what I had to say and she impulsively hugged me. She has not voluntarily touched me in a long time, but today, she fairly lept into my arms. It wasn't a quickie either, not a pat on the back, "good on ya" embrace. She held there for a while and I returned her gesture.

"What was that?" I asked, when she finally pulled away.
"Nothing," she said.

As I descended the stairs, I was puzzled. I got in my car, headed for work and continued to wonder. I was a couple miles down the road when it hit me exactly what that hug meant.



At 11:25 AM, Anonymous Tennyson said...

Goodbye? I am not so sure. You will forever be linked through AJ. You obviously wont have the same relationship as before but then again she said goodbye to personally a while ago.

In your words the "initiator" makes a villian out of the other.

Perhaps this is just her mind allowing her to show,Your a good man, and this is not in anger.

This is not about you, or another man.

This is about her.

At 11:33 AM, Blogger elizabeth said...

tough moment. but also a good sign that this can come to the sort of closure in which neither of you is described as the villain to your son. so, so important. my parents split when i was just a baby, so i was spared the memories of actual separation, but they handled their dealings with each other very differently. my mother (initiator of split) bad talked my father a lot when we were growing up. dad pretty much kept his mouth shut about anything negative until we got old enough to know the whole deal 17-18ish. smartest thing that man ever did, he has my undying respect for it, because, like you in your situation, he could have said plenty. mom moved down a few pegs on the respect scale for her constant bitching about him.

just something to keep in mind, though from what i've read of your relationship with your boy, i don't see you doing anything but showering him with love.

best of luck in the coming weeks with the physical separation, i hope it goes as smoothly as possible

At 12:26 PM, Blogger Bloody P said...

Just make sure she doesn't try to have her cake and eat it, too.

I went through the same sort of thing with the mother of my oldest child (we were never married).

She wanted to keep me around "just in case" and would pull stuff like that on me to boggle my mind.

Watch your corhole, mang.

At 1:19 PM, Blogger Huge Junk said...

I have to admit that I was sorta pulling for that story to turn porno.

At 8:14 AM, Blogger Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

I agree with Bobby (then again, who doesn't). Yet, it did tickle to read that last word...ok it fucken hurt, but we will say it when you get taken down in soccer it hurts like hell but you laugh it off so they won't see that it hurt. Oh, I've rambled again.

At 9:17 AM, Blogger iamhoff said...

Damn, Joe. Once again a great post, and that last word was a f**king body blow. You are a far better man than I (and probably most of us out here in brogger land), and you and AJ both will be fine because of it. Good luck on Monday, and as always, we got yer back.

At 10:14 AM, Blogger Veneno said...

You are making me tear up every time I read your blog.

It is good to see you moving into acceptance.

Just think of the amazing possibilities that are ahead of you. You seem like such an interesting and wonderful person. I'm sure there is love in your future.

First kisses..remember those?

At 5:40 PM, Blogger Otter Chaos said...

Dude. Just to let you know I'm reading and feeling - I haven't wanted to poke my inadequate oar in as I worry about making things worse!

Still, Liverpool did manage to take a point from Charlton this season...

Hang tough.

At 8:57 AM, Anonymous Mark said...

Got the same reaction going through a split....she acted like a completely different person (fucking alien was how I described her) and one day she hugged me like I'd been in prison for five years. Not only is it goodbye, it's an apology of sorts. She'd never admit that she's she can't say it, but she can feel it. Sometime in the next year she's going to tell you she's made a big mistake, don't allow her back in your life.

At 7:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Joe,

Thanks for taking a minute to chat with me during the 200k tourney. I appreciate any info you can give me on some local OC/IE/LA home games. You can contact me at busbysix@yahoo.

Also, my offer of 'taking care of' the problem, still stands. I think what she has done to you is absolutely horrible. You seem to be a good man, and an incredibley loving father. I wish you only the best.

Thanks again!


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