Incomplete

They become increasingly occupied with the partner's failures, going so far as to re-invent their history together, seeing nothing but a "negative chronology of events." The significance of the relationship is diminished and re-interpreted to be consistent with the way the Initiator is now feeling. Furthermore, still at home, the Initiator only notices the daily activities (flaws) that fit with and feed their immediate mindset.

I wrote the above in what is now known as The Great Divorce Post of '06. It's not? Well, it should be. That post has made me a Poster Boy for fractured relationships everywhere and you know what? I've kinda gotten to relish the role.

Bad me. Why? Because what I wrote up there, while true of my wife's thought process, is the exact thing I'm doing right now in regard to her, both in my head and in the blog. This life-altering decision, which I still don't fully understand, has caused me to re-examine every inch of our life together, including the present, and it has been very easy to subscribe to a "negative chronology of events."

Many of you who've come here recently haven't read the many complimentary items I've written about my wife over the life of this blog. And there are plenty. Which is part of my lack of understanding right now, because her recent actions are SO out of character with the woman I've always known. And my emotional reaction has been to find (invent?) flaws in her that stretch way back, possible seeds for this hurtful path of hers. Maybe I have, maybe I haven't, but regardless, it's all conjecture.

AJ is a good boy. Smart, precocious, thoroughly loving (he was recently reprimanded at daycare for kisssing people goodbye too much). No, he won't eat his vegetables, but we've rarely had to deal with any destructive behaviors out of him and he never repeats his more grave mistakes.

The point is, he didn't get that way without two loving and good parents. Neither of us are perfect in that regard, but we are both equally responsible for his easy development into this young person with so many possibilites before him. So, while I think we can all agree that my wife's judgement has been altered a bit in recent months, it has been unfair of me--if somewhat understandable--to focus solely on the current negative.

The truth of the matter is that I remain hopelessly in love with my wife. As much as I try to talk or think or feel my way out of that, it's not possible just yet. I don't know what went on inside her that she could do this to me. Maybe I never will. I wish she'd have had the guts to come to me with her unhappiness before she put herself in this tangled position where I have no chance to reach her. And, believe me, I've tried. Desperately. I've tried to get her angry at me, to make her blurt some essential truth. I've tried to find that spot I'm (naively?) certain exists inside her, where I can tap any remaining emotions she holds for me. I've tried to inspire empathy for the pain I'm in. All because I'd still like that second chance. Even now. Why?



Because that's me. I am not an individual. I am part of that. My family. In turn, that's what makes me complete. And no mattter what happens to me in life from this point on, without that, I will never be complete again.

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Tonight, we're telling AJ. I'm not sure I'll be able to get through it. The experts say you're not supposed to lie to them, be upfront and honest. But when we say, "Mommy and Daddy don't love each other any more," that will only be half-right.