Sunday, February 19, 2006

X Marks the Spot

There are some things about which I am very perceptive. There are others where I have a severe blind spot. But, even in the case of the latter, it's clear to me NOW that I should not be playing any poker.

Jesus H. Christ I suck.

My decision-making is horrid. My attitude is way too careless. I'm not trying to play my best. I'm just playing. Gambling. Not good.

Which is how I end up at 8:30 p.m. out of both tourneys I entered tonight within 90 minutes, despite building a 5K stack after the first hour in the $16K on Full Tilt. I never even made it out of the Re-Buy period on Stars. It's sickening. And I should probably not play right now.

So, what else is going on?

I came up with a great idea for a screenplay. It would take WAY too much research for a book, but, like Hollywood itself, I can totally fudge on the details as long as the story moves. And it will. First and third acts write themselves. The second act is gonna be a problem. Need a sub-plot methinks. Gonna have to learn how to write a screenplay, too.

Went with AJ and X (in a nod to--and when I say "in a nod to," I mean "a blatant rip-off of"--Richard Ford and to retire the now hopelessly out-of-date term "dear and patient wife," I will be using 'X' to denote the woman who formerly treated me with some modicum of respect and admiration before she went completely insane) to see "Dragon Tales Live" at the local auditorium. It was not up to the lofty production values of the "Dora the Explorer" show we saw some time back and the sound was teh shit. Additionally, we made the tactical error of getting him some cotton candy prior to curtain, which resulted in excessive activity and a late-show sugar crash. He's currently resting thanks to a cycle of methadone.

The situation I find myself in at home is so surreal I don't even know where my ass is sometimes (work with me here). I have to interact with X every single day (though we are now sleeping in separate rooms, which is oddly comforting) even as she's telling some other guy she loves him. And I just amended our cell phone plan today to allow her more room for text messaging with him, a purely financial decision, but still, I AM enabling them to advance their adulterous, immoral liaison. Today we pretty much hammered out the details of the divorce and she's being utterly reasonable. That's guilt, I guess. "I already screwed you over; I'm not going to do it again," she says. (And for those of you out there who have been financially and custodially swindled by your lying, cheating spouses and are now shaking your heads at my naivate, thank you for your concern, but I've caught her in enough lies the past few months to know what it looks, and feels, like.)

Some of you might be wondering, "What the fuck was that on Friday then?" Well, you missed the point. Largely because I didn't provide it. It's true I thought there might be a chance, however infinitesimal, that my tapping the core issue may have caused her to think, "You know what? You're right. This flaw of mine has adversely affected every relationship I've ever had and I will never truly be able to give myself over to someone unless I fix it and I intend to do just that." Instead, I got a terse (figurative), "Fuck you."

Which is what I expected, to be honest. But it's still a good thing. Mostly, I don't have to lay awake every night trying to figure out the whats and whys and wherefores. Now I know. Second, it's done. I've reached acceptance (with the occasional dose of Stage 4 Depression thrown in). Not only do I firmly believe she'll never come back to me no matter what trials befall her (and really, they must). I also know I would never accept her back in any event, not without some serious counseling and desire to change on her part, and even then it's not bloody likely. So, I'm fully moving on. I've created a small pocket map of every high school in the immediate area. I've begun to scout escort services in adjacent counties. And bookmarked several Eastern European Mail Order Bride sites.

(Dear authorities and divorce lawyers, the last 3 sentences were written totally in jest. So declared by me, on this date 19 February in the Year of Our Lord 2006.)

I know there are more bad days in store. But slowly, I'm having more good ones. That unreachable pain is larely gone, replaced by a dull ache I only occasionally feel. I still do go on mega-tilt at seemingly benign things. But I try to do it in private. Or at the poker tables.


At 10:14 PM, Blogger Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...


As we say, Puta Madre. Nuff said. I'm here with the E. Coast Family if you want an escape to the E. Coast. I'm sure I can get you a room overlooking Central Park for a couple of nights for free if you wish. Did I mention all the girls I know in the city who are single and looking for a soccer fan to watch some games and catch a pint? If you need some proof I can send you some pictures if you ask. Glad you are keeping it together as much as possible for AJ.

At 10:33 PM, Blogger Gene said...

The surrealness doesn't let go without a fight, let me tell you. I got an email from my ex the other day and she's back to using her maiden name. When we first started dating we emailed constantly, and getting mail with her maiden name sideswiped me. Embrace the weirdness, that's the attitude I've taken.

At 5:33 PM, Anonymous vockal said...

If you dont have Final Draft, get it.(for the screenplay)

Use these times to fuel your talent.

At 5:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Dear authorities and divorce lawyers, the last 3 sentences were written totally in jest. So declared by me, on this date 19 February in the Year of Our Lord 2006."


PS. My word verification is tryrfnow . Try RF Now! It will change your life! RF is the new black, better than viagra, and does not cause cancer. Try RF Now!! OK, enough randomness

At 12:12 PM, Blogger Drizztdj said...

Once again, you're doing wonders with the cards you've been dealt.

Well played sir.

At 2:44 PM, Blogger Jestocost said...

Given enough distance—which I'm certain will be impossible with a child involved—the surrealness can prove to be quite entertaining even. I ran into my ex (18 years removed) at the funeral of my next door neighbor's father, which she was attending with the father of her third child. She is not, however, married to him, but she did start an affair with him while still married to her second husband. I think I got that straight.

I think I like the way my life turned out much better.

At 7:42 AM, Blogger Poker Nerd said...

Good luck, my friend.

I can tell you must really love that kid of yours to have gone with him and X to Dragon Tales Live.

Perhaps Quetzal was able to provide some sage wisdom to help you out. I just hope Weezy didn't put you into a homicidal rage.

At 9:52 AM, Blogger iamhoff said...

Speaker, you are the man. You are handling this utter hell situation with the ultimate in grace and understanding. My sincerest wishes that you and AJ come thru this as unscathed as possible, and that X actually follows thru and IS reasonable during the actual divorce. I may be in San Diego, but work brings me to within spitting distance of the Moreno Valley on many occasions (Hemet, San Jacinto, Lake Elsinore). Shoot me an email and I'll get you my cell #, if you need a drinking buddy.


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