Thursday, February 09, 2006

Light of Day

I love you all. I can't respond to you all. Not right now. But your thoughts and prayers and advice reduced me to a quivering mass of humanity this morning. In a good way. I've felt so starved for affection lately. My wife flinches when I move to touch her. And, well, let's say I feel wrapped up in a big fucking hug right now.

Please don't feel sorry for me. I'd hate that. Just because I'm throwing everything into this online pot, doesn't mean I'm mining for pity. I NEED this. And it's gonna be unexpurgated, because that's just how I roll.


I just got done reading Vonnegut's "Man Without a Country," the prevailing theme of which is that we have fucked up our planet so royally that our grandchildren will be lucky to see it survive. And faced with dire circumstances, all we have is humor. Kurt says he's not funny any more, has been beaten down by pessimism as he reaches the end of his life. I can relate. But I'm still funny. I NEED that, too.


Some of you know what I do for a living. At it's most basic, I find information. I told Pauly yesterday that I could track down Robbie Rist in 20 minutes if he gave the word. I wasn't joking. If Robbie's taken a dump in an LA public bathroom in the last decade, I'll know about it.

Yet, for all my powers, I never tried to find this Michael. It wouldn't have been hard. Quick check of the wife's cell phone records, reverse directory search and boom. But I had--have--no interest in confronting him, no desire to know anything about him.

Which is why it's funny that I just accidentally happened upon ALL his info. Apparently, the wife doesn't clear her internet trollings. I got halfway through typing in my Yahoo! profile address when two others popped up in the dropdown menu. My wife's and Michael's. He's a poet. For some reason, that makes me want to smash things. People who dress in all black and wear berets have always tilted me. But the best he can manage on his profile page is, "Life is a gift, so wrap yourself well." Which is hackneyed shit.

And it doesn't even rhyme.


At 10:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Joe Speaker is Magnum, P.I. ?

At 10:46 AM, Blogger Chad said...

"Life is a gift, so wrap yourself well."

I...don't...I don't get it. Level 13 poetry?

At 11:00 AM, Blogger Mr. Friendly said...

Perhaps you wish to hire out the confrontation? Mrs. Friendly and I could find the fugger in a flash, without your esteemable help, and "persuade" him to work the other side of the street as it were.

You and your boy are in our thoughts. And since I am not afraid to beat a cliche to a bloody death, "this to shall pass."

At 11:04 AM, Blogger AlCantHang said...

Did you chose Robbie Rist as your example because he's my doppelganger?

At 11:05 AM, Blogger Derek McG said...

you're a good man joe speaker.

At 11:28 AM, Blogger HighOnPoker said...

Here's a better rhyme for the poet fucktard:

Life is a gift, and I deserve a fist.

Okay, not such a great rhyme, but I still like it!

At 11:29 AM, Blogger BadBlood said...

Speak, you're in my thoughts, as is AJ. I look at other children and then wonder if they are loved as much as mine are. With you and AJ, there is no doubt.

Say the word. I'll book, I'll find, I'll destroy. You can mop up if you wish. Fucking black and berets. 'tis easy to reek of hate, is it not?

At 11:33 AM, Blogger Fat Dan said...

Joe Speaker,
this is my first reading of your blog and I already feel like i know you. it is good that you have a place to find friends and get support. i won't say I understand what you are going through. i will say that you have given me motivation to go home and give my wife some real attention. thank you.

At 11:51 AM, Blogger Dr. Pauly said...

You've been selected to go on that secret mission with me Joe Speaker. I'm putting together a team, just like Danny Ocean in Ocean's 11. We're gonna find Robbie Rist and I'm gonna throw a pie in his face. I just need a munitions guy and a Chinese acroboat and we're gold.

At 11:56 AM, Blogger BigPirate said...

Joe Speaker will survive and prosper long after bad poetry is forgotten. Take care of yourself and the little one, brother.

At 12:05 PM, Blogger Pokerwolf said...

Keep on keepin' on, Speaker.

You do your son proud every day you live.

At 12:06 PM, Blogger BSN said...


I just read your last few posts. I'm shaking. Been there, done that, and wrote pretty much the same thing to my friends in January, 1994. No kids, fortunately, so I was spared that pain. But the rest of it... yeah.

Spooky, really. Even the bit about her begging off of a New Year's trip.

Damn. Now I've gotta drag my brain back from 1994.

No pity, just support.

At 12:19 PM, Blogger Gene said...

"Life is a gift, so wrap yourself well".

That's unacceptable.

On every level.

Good Lord.

At 12:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Michael, I hate to post a letter here to you because...well this is the Speakers spot. But I know you are a sick fuck and probably know about this site and are reading it. Being that I trolled in L.A. for many years all I have to say is the word...thus, if you see anyone looking Mexican coming up to you well it's probably me or my homie getting ready to open a can of whip-ass on you...thus, you should probably run. I'm doing this without Joe's permission, but I just don't play that shit, homie. Thus, if your weak poet ass hasn't had an ass whipping in a long time...consider it in the mix. Sorry's just the way I roll. You don't know me, but I read often.

At 1:06 PM, Blogger Easycure said...

Good God Man! I hope you realize how much your friends care about you.

Count me among them, leading the pack.

Big man hugs next time I see you - followed by a multi-day bender that could rival an out-body-Al-Can't Hang Experience experience.

OK, I don't know that that means either but I hope you cracked a smile.

At 2:25 PM, Blogger Huge Junk said...

Your wife is running out on you for fucking Leaping Lanny Paffo?!?

The next dude I see throwing a frisbee is catching a clothesline or forearm shiver.

You could throw a pencil in your pocket and dry-hump a better poem on to a piece of paper than this douchebag.

And yes Michael, you ARE a douchebag. Level 12.

Obviously he has a lot going for him, as he was shopping for an apartment AND has wicked awesome poetry skillz.


At 2:29 PM, Blogger vegaas said...


Been there, done that. I know how hard it is to see the look in their eye. That look that seems to say you mean nothing to me and never have. It is a sick feeling, but it passes. As do their apperant non feelings for you. It is exaclty as the book you have mentioned says. They are at stage 4 basically, while you are stage 1. It is an unfair situation, but eventually it gets better. As they say, time heals all wounds.

At 2:36 PM, Blogger BSN said...

Oh, one more thing: you have every right to know every detail about this other guy if there's any chance he's going to be spending any time with your son. You may not WANT to know anything about him, but you probably NEED to know everything.

Don't feel like you're invading HIS privacy or abusing your wife's trust. Both of them gave up those rights.

At 2:59 PM, Blogger JamieK said...

Really sorry to hear the news. Cast in a similar circumstance, my brevity and perspective were much paler. The lack of emotional control and the "she was thinking about someone else" razorblade were wholly unbearable. Perhaps it's a quality you acquired alongside parental responsibility, or maybe it's just some innate power of endurance. Either way, the distance you've already come shows that you're a better man than most.

At 6:29 PM, Blogger cheesecakey said...

long time lurker here....

your post moved me more than anything I've read online

laying yourself and your life open will remind a lot of people that they need to reconnect with their other half before it's too late

no pity, empathy

my favorite wish for them that done me wrong:

may you get exactly what you deserve

At 7:46 PM, Blogger Mr. Friendly said...

You don't know me but I have been reading your posts for a few months now. As a one time (and soon to be twice) dad, I feel you are obligated to protect A.J. from Michael (nice name- something wrong with Mike you prissy little fairy).

If there is ANY reason to restrict access to A.J., you should do so. This is not about punishment. It is about prevention. There are some seriously fugged up people out there. If you need help, please see a lawyer, social worker, or your local sociopath. If the local sociopaths are unavailable, reach out to the great northeast...Mrs. Friendly and I are certifiable, available, and we like to scrap.
I am the albHammer on PokerStars. Reach me there or at my blog if you like.
Good Luck.

At 8:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate poet fags....Do you hate poet fags?

At 1:34 AM, Blogger biggestron said...

Kent -

One father to another, you are awesome.

You will find your way through.


At 1:38 AM, Blogger Mr Subliminal said...

I haven't much to say, just that I'm thinking of you.

At 4:01 AM, Blogger presidentdavelee said...

Long time reader here, you and your son are in my thoughts during this difficult time.

At 4:35 AM, Blogger littleacornman said...

Thoughts going out to you from me too Mr Speaker.

From reading the other comments its obvious that like your football clubs anthem "You'll never walk alone".

At 5:49 AM, Blogger StB said...

You are a strong man JS. It will hurt but you will make it through.

May I suggest a nice Salvotore Dopplebock to help you you?

At 6:30 AM, Blogger G-Rob said...

Not long ago a good friend and I reached a deal. If anything ever happened to one of our kids, the OTHER would pound the culprit. That way I'm in the clear with a good alibi.

I'm very large and very motivated. Feel free to tap my shoulder for a "Michael" ass-whipping of historic proportions. I haven't engaged in a major beatdown in a decade.

At 8:12 AM, Blogger FatBaldGuy said...

Thanks for showing me how much I have Joe. 23+ years with the same woman. I am going to go hmome tonight and make sure she knows how much I care.

Take care of AJ.

At 8:17 AM, Anonymous Johnny FlopBoot said...

Speaker... this is awful news. Hopefully it all works out in the end, some way.

I agree with one of the above commenters, you NEED to know everything possible about this douche. If he ever even plans to be within a 10-block radius of your son, you should be well aware of anything there is to know. Good, bad, or indifferent.

Put your skills to work.

At 8:37 AM, Blogger dynamo23 said...


I totally identify with where you are right now, I was there six months ago. We were married for six years and have a 4 year old son, the "friend" was a guy in her sister's wedding.

After the initial shock, anger, feelings of failure, and hurt wear off, you will be okay. It's a grieving process but in a sense it's worse than death because you still have to interact with this person because of AJ. I think the quote is "Divorce is the death that dies a 1000 times" and that is so true.

I hope you get along well and I suggest that you still see a counsellor for a few months as an outlet for these feelings. You have to be careful what you say to people and watch your email communications as they may find their way back to her or in court if things go that way.


At 9:01 AM, Blogger Jestocost said...

It's been 18 years since I walked the same path you're now on and I can report that I'm in a much better place now than I was in then. My experience was thankfully pre children, although with two of my own now I can only begin to imagine how that complicates things.

You will stand as a strong example for AJ despite the pain you now suffer and will continue to endure. You will thrive. You will prosper.

At 9:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Strangers on a Blog"

Nuff said.

At 10:57 AM, Blogger Gamecock said...

Joe, read your post yesterday and it fucking floored me. You are the best of people man. Don't let the worst of them get you down. You and AJ will be alright, just look to him for strength.

At 11:10 AM, Blogger SirFWALGMan said...

Joe, I hardly read the blog.. just because I am busy, but yesterdays post was really moving. I have two kids and part of the reason my wife and I are not seperated is because of them.. Thanks for sharing and hopefully your post about AJ will motivate me to fix some things in my life and marriage. Anyway, I wish you the best in this hard time.

At 12:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


First time reader. Nickerblog pointed the way.

Been there on the other side of the coin. I didn't go thru with it. Why? Our children and crushing realization that it was he who first taught me how to love. It's been a long journey out of that place, and every day is the next step away from that place. But we are still on the journey together.

Can't speak for your soon-to-be-ex, and don't want to give you false hope. But I thought I'd mention it.

If you communicated with your wife half as well as you do here, she is a fool.

At 2:14 PM, Blogger Bloody P said...


Long time blurker here. I've enjoyed your blog and your writing for a long time now.

You're a good man. Just watch your back and your boy's back and you'll be good. Pain subsides after awhile, but the love you have for you son will last until you die.

Just keep remembering what's important.

Oh, and I am available to urinate blood on this Michael character for a nominal fee. Ah hell, I'll do it for nuthin'. Let him write a friggin' poem about THAT.

Hang in there.

At 11:38 AM, Blogger TripJax said...

You have the right frame of is all about with it...


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