Light of Day
I love you all. I can't respond to you all. Not right now. But your thoughts and prayers and advice reduced me to a quivering mass of humanity this morning. In a good way. I've felt so starved for affection lately. My wife flinches when I move to touch her. And, well, let's say I feel wrapped up in a big fucking hug right now.
Please don't feel sorry for me. I'd hate that. Just because I'm throwing everything into this online pot, doesn't mean I'm mining for pity. I NEED this. And it's gonna be unexpurgated, because that's just how I roll.
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I just got done reading Vonnegut's "Man Without a Country," the prevailing theme of which is that we have fucked up our planet so royally that our grandchildren will be lucky to see it survive. And faced with dire circumstances, all we have is humor. Kurt says he's not funny any more, has been beaten down by pessimism as he reaches the end of his life. I can relate. But I'm still funny. I NEED that, too.
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Some of you know what I do for a living. At it's most basic, I find information. I told Pauly yesterday that I could track down Robbie Rist in 20 minutes if he gave the word. I wasn't joking. If Robbie's taken a dump in an LA public bathroom in the last decade, I'll know about it.
Yet, for all my powers, I never tried to find this Michael. It wouldn't have been hard. Quick check of the wife's cell phone records, reverse directory search and boom. But I had--have--no interest in confronting him, no desire to know anything about him.
Which is why it's funny that I just accidentally happened upon ALL his info. Apparently, the wife doesn't clear her internet trollings. I got halfway through typing in my Yahoo! profile address when two others popped up in the dropdown menu. My wife's and Michael's. He's a poet. For some reason, that makes me want to smash things. People who dress in all black and wear berets have always tilted me. But the best he can manage on his profile page is, "Life is a gift, so wrap yourself well." Which is hackneyed shit.
And it doesn't even rhyme.
posted by Joe Speaker @ 10:12 AM
34 comments
34 Comments:
Joe Speaker is Magnum, P.I. ?
"Life is a gift, so wrap yourself well."
I...don't...I don't get it. Level 13 poetry?
Perhaps you wish to hire out the confrontation? Mrs. Friendly and I could find the fugger in a flash, without your esteemable help, and "persuade" him to work the other side of the street as it were.
You and your boy are in our thoughts. And since I am not afraid to beat a cliche to a bloody death, "this to shall pass."
Did you chose Robbie Rist as your example because he's my doppelganger?
you're a good man joe speaker.
Here's a better rhyme for the poet fucktard:
Life is a gift, and I deserve a fist.
Okay, not such a great rhyme, but I still like it!
Speak, you're in my thoughts, as is AJ. I look at other children and then wonder if they are loved as much as mine are. With you and AJ, there is no doubt.
Say the word. I'll book, I'll find, I'll destroy. You can mop up if you wish. Fucking black and berets. 'tis easy to reek of hate, is it not?
Joe Speaker,
this is my first reading of your blog and I already feel like i know you. it is good that you have a place to find friends and get support. i won't say I understand what you are going through. i will say that you have given me motivation to go home and give my wife some real attention. thank you.
You've been selected to go on that secret mission with me Joe Speaker. I'm putting together a team, just like Danny Ocean in Ocean's 11. We're gonna find Robbie Rist and I'm gonna throw a pie in his face. I just need a munitions guy and a Chinese acroboat and we're gold.
Joe Speaker will survive and prosper long after bad poetry is forgotten. Take care of yourself and the little one, brother.
Keep on keepin' on, Speaker.
You do your son proud every day you live.
Speaker,
I just read your last few posts. I'm shaking. Been there, done that, and wrote pretty much the same thing to my friends in January, 1994. No kids, fortunately, so I was spared that pain. But the rest of it... yeah.
Spooky, really. Even the bit about her begging off of a New Year's trip.
Damn. Now I've gotta drag my brain back from 1994.
No pity, just support.
"Life is a gift, so wrap yourself well".
That's unacceptable.
On every level.
Good Lord.
Michael, I hate to post a letter here to you because...well this is the Speakers spot. But I know you are a sick fuck and probably know about this site and are reading it. Being that I trolled in L.A. for many years all I have to say is the word...thus, if you see anyone looking Mexican coming up to you well it's probably me or my homie getting ready to open a can of whip-ass on you...thus, you should probably run. I'm doing this without Joe's permission, but I just don't play that shit, homie. Thus, if your weak poet ass hasn't had an ass whipping in a long time...consider it in the mix. Sorry Joe...it's just the way I roll. You don't know me, but I read often.
Good God Man! I hope you realize how much your friends care about you.
Count me among them, leading the pack.
Big man hugs next time I see you - followed by a multi-day bender that could rival an out-body-Al-Can't Hang Experience experience.
OK, I don't know that that means either but I hope you cracked a smile.
Your wife is running out on you for fucking Leaping Lanny Paffo?!?
The next dude I see throwing a frisbee is catching a clothesline or forearm shiver.
You could throw a pencil in your pocket and dry-hump a better poem on to a piece of paper than this douchebag.
And yes Michael, you ARE a douchebag. Level 12.
Obviously he has a lot going for him, as he was shopping for an apartment AND has wicked awesome poetry skillz.
Douchebag...
Joe,
Been there, done that. I know how hard it is to see the look in their eye. That look that seems to say you mean nothing to me and never have. It is a sick feeling, but it passes. As do their apperant non feelings for you. It is exaclty as the book you have mentioned says. They are at stage 4 basically, while you are stage 1. It is an unfair situation, but eventually it gets better. As they say, time heals all wounds.
Oh, one more thing: you have every right to know every detail about this other guy if there's any chance he's going to be spending any time with your son. You may not WANT to know anything about him, but you probably NEED to know everything.
Don't feel like you're invading HIS privacy or abusing your wife's trust. Both of them gave up those rights.
Really sorry to hear the news. Cast in a similar circumstance, my brevity and perspective were much paler. The lack of emotional control and the "she was thinking about someone else" razorblade were wholly unbearable. Perhaps it's a quality you acquired alongside parental responsibility, or maybe it's just some innate power of endurance. Either way, the distance you've already come shows that you're a better man than most.
long time lurker here....
your post moved me more than anything I've read online
laying yourself and your life open will remind a lot of people that they need to reconnect with their other half before it's too late
no pity, empathy
my favorite wish for them that done me wrong:
may you get exactly what you deserve
Joe,
You don't know me but I have been reading your posts for a few months now. As a one time (and soon to be twice) dad, I feel you are obligated to protect A.J. from Michael (nice name- something wrong with Mike you prissy little fairy).
If there is ANY reason to restrict access to A.J., you should do so. This is not about punishment. It is about prevention. There are some seriously fugged up people out there. If you need help, please see a lawyer, social worker, or your local sociopath. If the local sociopaths are unavailable, reach out to the great northeast...Mrs. Friendly and I are certifiable, available, and we like to scrap.
I am the albHammer on PokerStars. Reach me there or at my blog if you like.
Good Luck.
I hate poet fags....Do you hate poet fags?
I haven't much to say, just that I'm thinking of you.
Long time reader here, you and your son are in my thoughts during this difficult time.
Thoughts going out to you from me too Mr Speaker.
From reading the other comments its obvious that like your football clubs anthem "You'll never walk alone".
You are a strong man JS. It will hurt but you will make it through.
May I suggest a nice Salvotore Dopplebock to help you you?
Speaker... this is awful news. Hopefully it all works out in the end, some way.
I agree with one of the above commenters, you NEED to know everything possible about this douche. If he ever even plans to be within a 10-block radius of your son, you should be well aware of anything there is to know. Good, bad, or indifferent.
Put your skills to work.
It's been 18 years since I walked the same path you're now on and I can report that I'm in a much better place now than I was in then. My experience was thankfully pre children, although with two of my own now I can only begin to imagine how that complicates things.
You will stand as a strong example for AJ despite the pain you now suffer and will continue to endure. You will thrive. You will prosper.
"Strangers on a Blog"
Nuff said.
Joe, read your post yesterday and it fucking floored me. You are the best of people man. Don't let the worst of them get you down. You and AJ will be alright, just look to him for strength.
Joe, I hardly read the blog.. just because I am busy, but yesterdays post was really moving. I have two kids and part of the reason my wife and I are not seperated is because of them.. Thanks for sharing and hopefully your post about AJ will motivate me to fix some things in my life and marriage. Anyway, I wish you the best in this hard time.
Joe:
First time reader. Nickerblog pointed the way.
Been there on the other side of the coin. I didn't go thru with it. Why? Our children and crushing realization that it was he who first taught me how to love. It's been a long journey out of that place, and every day is the next step away from that place. But we are still on the journey together.
Can't speak for your soon-to-be-ex, and don't want to give you false hope. But I thought I'd mention it.
If you communicated with your wife half as well as you do here, she is a fool.
Joe,
Long time blurker here. I've enjoyed your blog and your writing for a long time now.
You're a good man. Just watch your back and your boy's back and you'll be good. Pain subsides after awhile, but the love you have for you son will last until you die.
Just keep remembering what's important.
Oh, and I am available to urinate blood on this Michael character for a nominal fee. Ah hell, I'll do it for nuthin'. Let him write a friggin' poem about THAT.
Hang in there.
You have the right frame of mind...it is all about AJ...run with it...
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