One Trick Pony
I'm pretty much between a Rock and a Hard Place here with the blog. I don't want it to turn into Joe Speaker's Adventures in Divorce and Infidelity. On the other hand, I don't have much room in my head to think about anything else, let alone write about anything else. Not playing very much poker doesn't help.
I've mentioned previously that I've been playing poker lately as an "escape." Lets me concentrate on something else for a while. Even so, I still have that feeling of "Aw, fuck it," when I'm playing, because it's always in the back of my mind that I've got much bigger problems than having Kings cracked by 98-suited. Suffice to say, shrugging off beats and bad play hasn't been a problem.
While I think I DO need I to train my mind elsewhere to keep my mental state in some semblance of togetherness, I don't think "escape" is a good idea. I can't go off half-cocked, give in to whim or anger to make myself unavailable. As much as it might benefit ME in the short-term, I need to be there for AJ right now.
All in all, I'm doing okay. On the Five Stages of Grief scale, I've gotten past denial (huge) and am straddling anger and bargaining. A few have commented on how I seem to be handling this with dignity, but I can't claim that to be wholly the case. I've flown off the handle a couple times in the last week, said some regrettable things. I didn't mean them, just wanted to wound her with harsh words, try to make her feel some of the pain she's inflicted on me. Of course, that's an idiotic thing to do, moreso when the person at whom you aim your barbs couldn't give a shit.
What IS clear to me, through it all, is that she and I need to rehabilitate our relationship. Forgiveness is a difficult concept right now, but it doesn't need to be that. What we need is to make sure we see each other as we really are, not the current versions that are polluted by this contentious situation. To treat each other with respect, not necessarily as mates, but as parents. For good or ill, she and I have a life-long relationship ahead of us because of AJ and we need to be vigilant in our effort and willingness to parent him together, even if we are physically apart.
Getting over the hope of saving the marriage has allowed some positive thoughts to enter. I'm moving on and I'm excited about some things I'd like to do. Like it or not, I AM going to have more time to myself and I'm going to be productive. I still take the occassional gut punch, someone will say something or a certain song will come on the iPod (damn you Primus!) that will remind me of happier times. But that wholesale feeling of dread, of helplessness, seems to have retreated and I'm continuing to beat it back by looking forward.
I've had a lot of vistors here lately. Dang. Nickerson has got some readership. Thanks again, Shane for your kind words. And thanks to all you strangers who dropped a comment. That was hard to write, harder to post, but I hope it helped somebody out there.
I also got a reader from this Google search. SMTL, baby.