Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Drawing Dead

It is not the lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
-Friedrich Nietzsche

I guess I don't need to be embarrassed by the fact I've been a quivering blob of despair the last 12 hours or so. Hell, why hold back now? Whatever triggered this change of mood (my money's on the anniversary), the end result is that having to look into X's dead eyes the last few days has been pure torture. So, in the interest of my own goddamn sanity, I convinced her to leave.

It's gonna cost me a bit of money in the long run, but I just can't see her. When she's not treating me with utter disdain, she's falsely cheerful. I don't know which I hate more. And that attitude, her very presence, is pushing me past my limit of anger management. Which is bad for everyone, especially AJ.

So, she'll be out within two weeks and I'll be stuck paying the mortgage by myself, spending four lonesome days a week in a 3000-square foot house with diminishing furnishings. I guess I could host Murderer's Row four nights a week. Just have Full Tilt charter a bus for everyone to make it out to my neck of the woods.


I can accept that X lost her love for me. Nothing is guaranteed in marriage and I am hardly blameless in allowing conditions to deteriorate to the point they did. What hurts so deeply--and I've felt it more keenly the past couple days than previously--is the manner in which she went about this. After first unilaterally deciding our marriage was over, she set out to prove it to me--secretly--in the most destructive manner possible: by having an affair. My mind can not process how a person can do that to someone close. She must have no feelings for me at all. Not as a friend, not as a father, not as a human being. I may have failed to keep her insides burning for me, but I was never unavailable to her. I was always there for support, camaraderie and assurance. I was her equal partner in parenting, housework and finances. I never once gave her reason to doubt my commitment. Yet, in spite of all that, she callously undertook this path, thereby maximizing my misery. All without the slightest hint of guilt on her part. And I'm left to wonder how I could have so completely relied on, given my heart over to, a person who could do such a thing? How my every belief, trust and dream has been shattered.

I know I did nothing to deserve this. I know it's not my fault. Of all the events that could befall a person, this one is, relatively-speaking, pretty low on the list, falling well short of actual tragedy. There are plenty of people in this world who DO value my friendship and care and respect me enough to help me, or ask for help, when things are down. One person, even one I adored and admired for so long, can not change me, will not harden my heart with her profligacy, cynicism and indifference.

Quick aside: It's difficult to truly convey one's feelings when a tour group comes through the office and is populated by apparent apprentice models from the Victoria's Secret Trade School. Jebus. Cold shower, party of one?

Ahem. Where was I? Oh yeah, I'll be fine. My penis apparently still works, based on thirty seconds ago. I really do need to work on my reads, though. I've been drawing dead for seven years and only just realized it.


At 12:12 PM, Blogger Slayre said...

That shit happened to me a couple of years ago, and I let it get to me so bad, I did some bad things to myself...

I found poker, and more too the point, poker people...poker blogging people.. and now I am hunky dory...

I feel your pain..... keep your camera at work, from now on, btw.. ;)

At 1:33 PM, Anonymous Tennyson said...


The worst will be over soon.

First comes out of sight then comes out of mind.

At 1:36 PM, Blogger Drizztdj said...

Anytime you need a friend, an insult, a laugh, or someone to do a dial-a-shot with.

Operators are standing by at Drizz's House of Deafness where the slogan is:

"We can't hear you, you can't understand us, but we'll still put a smile on your face"

At 2:01 PM, Blogger Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

Slayre was there a few years ago...look at him..he looks like he's in good shape...sure the hair thing scares you a bit, but you will enjoy it.

Drizz and some of the boys can introduce you to Ricardo The Pussy Eater in Vegas to drive you around to all the hot spots.

I leave you with this. You did the right thing, you stood up as a man and said...later. Get your feet under you and listen to sad country music. If you have an IPOD I will send you music and a bottle of Tequila.

To feel worse pull out some Pablo Neruda...cry and get it out...then go find that girl at the poker table who you made lay down with your KJ...wink!

Your my boy, SPEAKER!!

At 2:16 PM, Blogger BSN said...

Good man.

At 2:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not to sound callous, but you know that you've got her completely by the balls when it comes to the divorce proceedings, right?

At 2:31 PM, Anonymous sandra said...

Good for you re: taking care of yourself. The money thing sucks, but definitely not as much as being tortured by the presence of someone you used to feel so close to.

On the bright side, maybe hot Victoria's Secret model types will be all about coming over to your big house?

At 2:45 PM, Blogger vegaas said...

You did the absolute right thing. You need her out so you can move on. Her being there will just continue to knaw at your emotions. There are still some hard days ahead after she moves, but trust me, because I have been through this, there is a light at the end of the tunnel that you will start seeing soon.

At 6:47 PM, Blogger elizabeth said...

After just recovering from a 6 year breakup myself, I recognize all too clearly the rollercoaster of emotions you so clearly have been going through. The physical separation will do you worlds of good. It's all about making your surroundings feel like your home now, and of course, where your boy will always feel at home.
And don't assume your skill at reading people is so off...we women can be plenty cunning and sneaky. I'm sure you'll find that it's as good as you once thought it was, and that will help you in poker and other non-poker endeavors to come.

At 9:00 PM, Blogger iamhoff said...

Bravo. Getting X out of the house was the right thing to do. In the end, the money aspect should work itself out. As I said earlier, document the hell out of everything. If she shit on the marriage and you're going to be stuck with the majority of the bills for the jointly owned assets, make damn sure you document any and all expenditures you make on her behalf, on AJ's behalf, and any discussions or agreements that you two come up with (i.e. her leaving the house and getting another place). She may look like the woman you married, but she's not. Screw her. Get a good attorney and tell him to stomp on her with golf shoes!

As with Drizz (and I'm sure most of the other bloggers), I'm available for dial a shots and such. And I totally agree, keep a digital camera at work. Call it therapy. We got yer back.

X is leaving now
Good riddance to that douchebag
Joe's gonna make it

At 10:08 PM, Anonymous Kel aka monkeydragon said...

you are stronger than you realize quite yet -

you are going to get through this and AJ will be amazingly resilient because of your strength -

I think this may be a good read for you: http://briarrose86304.typepad.com/wherethepathmaylead/
I came upon it after I read your blog

and I find it interesting that you quote an existentialist - albeit an appropriate quote

At 8:57 AM, Blogger HighOnPoker said...

I don't know if I can really add anything useful, but let me add this anyway. As I've been reading your posts, one thing comes to mind:


Its a shame that AJ is getting caught in it all. Otherwise, you could just excommunicate. I hate to say it, but its a real shame that you can't just do this anyway. It sounds like the X is a self-involved C U Next Tuesday, and you are better off for having her out of the house. What a fucking bitch! Fuck her and the fucking poet douschebag. I hope he gets his dick stuck in an elevator. Fuck, man.


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