Thursday, February 23, 2006

Here's to Me!

Thanks to all for your submissions (and story/writing topics yesterday; sadly, I'm still caught in One Track Mind-ville). I enjoyed them a great deal. While X and I have managed a companionable truce, I still carry a healthy loathing for this Douchebag Poet whose immorality allows him to willingly--and forever--alter the innocent life of my boy. I'd never be able to live with myself if I commited a similar act, and can therefore not understand the ethical breakdown that occurs in someone who participates in such an affair. So, regardless of the peace of mind I have in my current situation, he has earned my scorn until the end of time. Fortunately, I can let this loathing disappear as quickly as it materializes and have no need to plot revenge, since he and X are the only two people in the Universe who are ignorant of the fact this is going to end badly--horribly, heinously--for both of them. Karma is indeed a bitch.

So, anyway, this is the post where the Blog Reading Public tries to figure out if I am simply a Prince Among Humans or if I have fallen off the Sanity Wagon. To be honest, I haven't the answer. I only know what happened. So, here it is.

Early Friday morning, 3:12 to be exact, I snapped up in my bed. What woke me was perfect knowledge. I jumped from the bed, grabbed a pen and pad, and wrote down everything I knew. And I knew it all.

For lack of a better explanation, I was touched. Divinely. I make no assumptions as to who or what was behind this, but it is spiritual in nature. Now, I've never been one to give credit beyond the plane of my existence, but, in this case, there's quite obviously been some intervention. Not only did everything become clear--I'm talking past, present, future--but the hurt, the roiling mind and the desperation were washed away. Gone. Completely gone. Suddenly, I was above it all. It's a curious feeling, and I'm not apt to question it right now. I'm riding it for all it's worth, feeding it with affirmation.

It has manifested itself in my dealings with X. What I wrote on Friday remains true. I've joined her in the "moving on" stage. I'm just as eager as she to facilitate the end of this thing. Why? Because my perfect knowledge has eradicated that notion that her leaving is a bad thing for me. It's quite the opposite. Will there be a substantial period of adjustment? Absolutely. Will I have to work extra hard to ease AJ's burden? Damn straight, and the implications on him are already beginning to show. But here's the thing: This event is spurring me to raise my personal standards. I'm disappointed in my behavior the last few years. Not because X is leaving me. No. That is profoundly not my fault. In fact, has little, if anything, to do with me. I'm disappointed because I've allowed a few years to pass me by without improving me. Without setting goals I know I can reach--that I NEED to reach--with a concerted effort. Just coasting along. The road is long and straight.

Hooey.

Among other issues, this has given me something to look forward to. My reality is bright. It's healthy, happy and lousy with possibility. Contrast this with X, whose future is based on fantasy and a foundation of selfish lies (which haven't stopped, by the way). Her path is not one of improvement, but of avoidance, of covering her frailties with temporary euphoria. You know, like a heroin-user. Her behavior deteriorates hourly. Her first instinct is to lie. Her latest move is to enlist AJ's complicity in her secrets. I shit you not. If this keeps up, the arrival of that One Day--the one where she comes to her senses and marvels at the empty person she's allowed herself to become--will be hastened exponentially.

I know this. Because I have perfect knowledge. Everything is clear. I know the meaning in her every word, even when those words dissemble. She holds no power over me and I see through to her very core. I guess you could say she has a tell.

Despite all that, I need to continue to promote a healthy dialogue with her, because we need to be on the same page with AJ. There's no anger from my side. I am at peace. Even when she crawls over to the dark side, I approach the issue with calm, with a stated desire to understand. Usually, I don't agree with her increasingly bizarre justifications, but, even so, I rationally try to effect compromise.

I am untiltable. I'm excited. I've already begun the Speaker Rejuvenation Project. For once, it's all about me (and a healthy me has a direct and positive impact on AJ). Me is gonna fuckin' rock.

9 Comments:

At 12:14 PM, Blogger Alan said...

Sometime in high school I made a vow that I would never cheat on someone nor would I cheat with someone. I think very few people hold that value.

My grandmother talked about having an epiphany like that once where she understood everything about mathematics. She didn't write any of it down though. I'd be interested in reading what you wrote down.

That is very quick journey to the "moving on" stage. I've found that those stages have recursive fractal levels. You may discover that you are only in the fifth section of the first stage. And there may be yet another level above that one.

I'm still hoping for the best for you and your family.

 
At 12:37 PM, Blogger Daddy said...

Day late with haiku
Michael wears a leather wig
with Velcro chinstrap

 
At 1:15 PM, Blogger Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

Joe,

You need to get her out of the house before you can move on. She's a constant reminder of the dark side (like my Yanks...wink!), thus, Use The Force, Joe! That force is spending time with AJ and getting out of the house with him as much as possible. Take the kid camping or to a poker camp for the weekend. You need to be out of her sight.

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger Big D said...

Joe,
I think you know who it was that gave you the peace. Just ask your mother. She will also know.

Good luck with everything, and know that there are a lot of complete strangers pulling for you.

 
At 2:07 PM, Blogger Huge Junk said...

Was it the Big Bang Theory?

It was the Big Bang Theory, wasn't it?

He is a glorious and compassionate Big Bang Theory, and I'm happy to hear he has reached down from his perch within the universe and touched you.

And don't be weirded out that he selected you, or that he only has 3 fingers on his right hand. He used to hit the sauce pretty hard and lost 2 fingers in a prop bet. It doesn't stop his ability to rule, only his ability to find a nice pair of gloves.

 
At 2:25 PM, Blogger iamhoff said...

You may have been visited by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, in all his noodly goodness (http://www.venganza.org). He cares for your happiness and will make sure that Douchebag will be found strangled by some al dente (wasn't he a hitman in the Sopranos?) fettucini. Seriously, congrats on your revelation (or revolution!). Great attitude...me is gonna fuckin' rock. Fuckin' A! Rooster has it right...get her out as quickly as possible. And make sure that you get as much alone time with AJ as possible.

One more haiku:

X made a mistake
Poetry don't pay the bills
Douchebag's plan will fail

If nothing else, dial a shot!!!

 
At 3:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Joe: as always I'm happy that you're happy, but remember that a piece of puddy is a piece of puddy and a load's a load. Perhaps your anger should be focused like a laser on the one who truly betrayed you. That way you can get up the courage to kill, kill, kill(and frame him in the process)... Just imagine the look on her face! And I'll give you your alibi.

p.s. You might want to take up that Rooster fellow on his offer and take a sabbatical to NYC. The girls there on the Avenues (north and south) and Streets (east and west) be lovin it.

your friend,

Clarence Thomas

 
At 3:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just don't start sticking green crap on your face and cucumbers on your eyes.

 
At 4:48 PM, Blogger High Plains Drifter said...

I'm rooting for you, Joe. :)

 

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