Here's to Me!
Thanks to all for your submissions (and story/writing topics yesterday; sadly, I'm still caught in One Track Mind-ville). I enjoyed them a great deal. While X and I have managed a companionable truce, I still carry a healthy loathing for this Douchebag Poet whose immorality allows him to willingly--and forever--alter the innocent life of my boy. I'd never be able to live with myself if I commited a similar act, and can therefore not understand the ethical breakdown that occurs in someone who participates in such an affair. So, regardless of the peace of mind I have in my current situation, he has earned my scorn until the end of time. Fortunately, I can let this loathing disappear as quickly as it materializes and have no need to plot revenge, since he and X are the only two people in the Universe who are ignorant of the fact this is going to end badly--horribly, heinously--for both of them. Karma is indeed a bitch.
So, anyway, this is the post where the Blog Reading Public tries to figure out if I am simply a Prince Among Humans or if I have fallen off the Sanity Wagon. To be honest, I haven't the answer. I only know what happened. So, here it is.
Early Friday morning, 3:12 to be exact, I snapped up in my bed. What woke me was perfect knowledge. I jumped from the bed, grabbed a pen and pad, and wrote down everything I knew. And I knew it all.
For lack of a better explanation, I was touched. Divinely. I make no assumptions as to who or what was behind this, but it is spiritual in nature. Now, I've never been one to give credit beyond the plane of my existence, but, in this case, there's quite obviously been some intervention. Not only did everything become clear--I'm talking past, present, future--but the hurt, the roiling mind and the desperation were washed away. Gone. Completely gone. Suddenly, I was above it all. It's a curious feeling, and I'm not apt to question it right now. I'm riding it for all it's worth, feeding it with affirmation.
It has manifested itself in my dealings with X. What I wrote on Friday remains true. I've joined her in the "moving on" stage. I'm just as eager as she to facilitate the end of this thing. Why? Because my perfect knowledge has eradicated that notion that her leaving is a bad thing for me. It's quite the opposite. Will there be a substantial period of adjustment? Absolutely. Will I have to work extra hard to ease AJ's burden? Damn straight, and the implications on him are already beginning to show. But here's the thing: This event is spurring me to raise my personal standards. I'm disappointed in my behavior the last few years. Not because X is leaving me. No. That is profoundly not my fault. In fact, has little, if anything, to do with me. I'm disappointed because I've allowed a few years to pass me by without improving me. Without setting goals I know I can reach--that I NEED to reach--with a concerted effort. Just coasting along. The road is long and straight.
Among other issues, this has given me something to look forward to. My reality is bright. It's healthy, happy and lousy with possibility. Contrast this with X, whose future is based on fantasy and a foundation of selfish lies (which haven't stopped, by the way). Her path is not one of improvement, but of avoidance, of covering her frailties with temporary euphoria. You know, like a heroin-user. Her behavior deteriorates hourly. Her first instinct is to lie. Her latest move is to enlist AJ's complicity in her secrets. I shit you not. If this keeps up, the arrival of that One Day--the one where she comes to her senses and marvels at the empty person she's allowed herself to become--will be hastened exponentially.
I know this. Because I have perfect knowledge. Everything is clear. I know the meaning in her every word, even when those words dissemble. She holds no power over me and I see through to her very core. I guess you could say she has a tell.
Despite all that, I need to continue to promote a healthy dialogue with her, because we need to be on the same page with AJ. There's no anger from my side. I am at peace. Even when she crawls over to the dark side, I approach the issue with calm, with a stated desire to understand. Usually, I don't agree with her increasingly bizarre justifications, but, even so, I rationally try to effect compromise.
I am untiltable. I'm excited. I've already begun the Speaker Rejuvenation Project. For once, it's all about me (and a healthy me has a direct and positive impact on AJ). Me is gonna fuckin' rock.