Aftermath

Well, I think I got it all out of my system. I can't imagine I have any more tears in reserve. And I'm fresh outta snot, too. I'm not going to get any more answers, so I can stop looking. Maybe there aren't any more, at least none that are available now, so I'll just hope for brighter days.

AJ didn't grasp what we were saying. He broke out the pouty face briefly when we said Mommy and Daddy weren't going to live in the same place any more. We assured him he'll still get to play catch with Daddy and cook dinner with Mommy and have dinner at Grandma's on Friday nights, so he doesn't yet understand the changes in store. I hope I can be strong for him when he does.

This all seems so unnecessary to me. So random. It's like this perfect storm of unrelated events came together and exploded with more force than the ingredients would predict. And I can't help but wonder if just one of those events were different, if I'd done one small, seemingly insignificant thing differently, this whole affair could have been avoided.

I'm not blaming me, but I know, in all honesty, that I didn't give her my best the last year, maybe longer, that I didn't often enough show her the love I've always held for her. And I regret that. Right now, it stings me deeply. I'm broken.

And yet, I know I did not deserve this. Not this way. It seems impossible that I'll ever recover from this hurt, this merciless betrayal, but I know that's not true. Time is both my ally and my curse. Each minute--each endless minute--is one more closer to letting go and one more I won't have to re-live. Time will put me back together again even as it drags before me.

I've felt a great deal of satisfaction from a number of the e-mails and comments I've gotten, people who've seen themselves in my failings, who've endured similar trials and emerged relatively unscathed, even some who are, right now, experiencing the same tumult. I hope I helped, even if it was in a small, seemingly insignificant way. Because those tend to add up.

I don't want this to be a forum for my personal problems any longer. In a way, it has been therapeutic. But in another way, it has sent me off on tangents that I didn't need to explore, gotten me away from the core of myself, from the necessary tasks I face. A lot of stuff came out distorted and a lot of reactions fueled my anger. I felt better when I was angry. Much better than when I was sad. But after expressing that anger, I felt much worse. It didn't help.

My wife is a good person who has done a very bad thing. I don't know why. I don't think she does either. But that's where we are. Too far down the road to go back. I think it's fucking tragic. I think it's a fucking waste of three lives that will never be as vital as when we were one. My wife and I were married nearly six years. In that time, we missed hundreds of chances to show, to prove, our love for each other.

Please, please, don't miss yours.