Friday, March 03, 2006

Aftermath

Well, I think I got it all out of my system. I can't imagine I have any more tears in reserve. And I'm fresh outta snot, too. I'm not going to get any more answers, so I can stop looking. Maybe there aren't any more, at least none that are available now, so I'll just hope for brighter days.

AJ didn't grasp what we were saying. He broke out the pouty face briefly when we said Mommy and Daddy weren't going to live in the same place any more. We assured him he'll still get to play catch with Daddy and cook dinner with Mommy and have dinner at Grandma's on Friday nights, so he doesn't yet understand the changes in store. I hope I can be strong for him when he does.

This all seems so unnecessary to me. So random. It's like this perfect storm of unrelated events came together and exploded with more force than the ingredients would predict. And I can't help but wonder if just one of those events were different, if I'd done one small, seemingly insignificant thing differently, this whole affair could have been avoided.

I'm not blaming me, but I know, in all honesty, that I didn't give her my best the last year, maybe longer, that I didn't often enough show her the love I've always held for her. And I regret that. Right now, it stings me deeply. I'm broken.

And yet, I know I did not deserve this. Not this way. It seems impossible that I'll ever recover from this hurt, this merciless betrayal, but I know that's not true. Time is both my ally and my curse. Each minute--each endless minute--is one more closer to letting go and one more I won't have to re-live. Time will put me back together again even as it drags before me.

I've felt a great deal of satisfaction from a number of the e-mails and comments I've gotten, people who've seen themselves in my failings, who've endured similar trials and emerged relatively unscathed, even some who are, right now, experiencing the same tumult. I hope I helped, even if it was in a small, seemingly insignificant way. Because those tend to add up.

I don't want this to be a forum for my personal problems any longer. In a way, it has been therapeutic. But in another way, it has sent me off on tangents that I didn't need to explore, gotten me away from the core of myself, from the necessary tasks I face. A lot of stuff came out distorted and a lot of reactions fueled my anger. I felt better when I was angry. Much better than when I was sad. But after expressing that anger, I felt much worse. It didn't help.

My wife is a good person who has done a very bad thing. I don't know why. I don't think she does either. But that's where we are. Too far down the road to go back. I think it's fucking tragic. I think it's a fucking waste of three lives that will never be as vital as when we were one. My wife and I were married nearly six years. In that time, we missed hundreds of chances to show, to prove, our love for each other.

Please, please, don't miss yours.

16 Comments:

At 12:35 PM, Blogger Randy G said...

I've been reading for months, but just recently started a blog and just had to comment here. I know it's probably just from the strength of the emotions you are feeling right now, but don't ever BELIEVE that because of this your life of AJ's is a waste. I've been through some terrible bouts with depression and the only way out is to forcibly change the way you think about yourself, your life, and the lives of those around you. I know it sounds difficult, but as long as you can stay positive and realize the bright spots in your life (AJ for one and this blogging community for another) the more it will put you on the right track for the days to come. Stick in there man.

 
At 12:58 PM, Anonymous Tennyson said...

If your going to stick to whether you got burned on the river or the turn, then get that book out man.

I love a good poker blog as much as the next guy, but...

Your way too good, not to keep writing about more than poker.

Just my 2 cents.

 
At 1:14 PM, Anonymous mookie99 said...

I have been reading your blog as you go through all this and it is very heartbreaking. What you wrote today is so true:

"My wife and I were married nearly six years. In that time, we missed hundreds of chances to show, to prove, our love for each other.

Please, please, don't miss yours."

This is very inspiring as I think many of us take a lot of things for granted when it comes to marriage, especially after being with someone for a long period of time.

Thanks for opening up about all this. Take care man.

 
At 1:37 PM, Blogger April said...

I think it applies to our everday relationships too, our valued friendships, family members, etc. Hell, even that cat I don't love on enough.

Love you bunches. :)

 
At 3:42 PM, Anonymous sandra said...

I think it's amazing that you can see already that your wife isn't a monster; just someone who did something monstrous. I'm not sure whether that makes it better or worse for you, but I guarantee it'll make it better for AJ. Best of luck.

 
At 3:53 PM, Blogger Bloody P said...

Joe,

You're a good man.

Here's the other Costello song I mentioned. I must have played this song a million times when a long-term relationship (with a child) I had was found out to be a cheater:

Baby Plays Around


It's not open to discussion anymore
She's out again tonight and I'm alone once more
She's all I have worth waiting for
But baby plays around

And so it seems I've always been the last to know
To hold on to that girl, I had to let her go
I wish to God I didn't love her so
'Cos baby plays around

I try to be strong hold on to my pride
She doesn't even know it's wrong, how much I hurt Inside
And heaven knows I've tried
But baby plays around. just a plaything
It's hard to reconcile the facts I'm facing

It's not open to discussion anymore
She walks those shiny streets
I walk the worn out floor
She's all I have worth living for
Baby plays, baby plays around



Good luck. You'll bounce back to become A#1 American Dad of Century and find the relationship you DESERVE.

 
At 4:20 PM, Blogger Huge Junk said...

I had a heart to heart with the Big Guy upstairs yesterday.

(No, I don't mean God, I mean the fat guy who lives above me.)

He said something about burritos, or nachos...or something like that. Anyhow, the point is that his 30 minute rant about mexican food made me realize that you have written some phenomenal stuff recently.

Sure, it isn't as fun as suckout stories and such, but you're a damn good writer and if it wants to be written you should write it and post it.

And now that you have no tears left I can tell you that you are adopted. Sorry, but your fake mom and I thought we'd tell you now since you have no more tears left to shed.

Your real name is Marvin Dustin Warthouzer.

 
At 4:36 PM, Blogger elizabeth said...

I have to agree with a couple of the other posters in that your recent tumultous writings have been amazing and tangible. I think everyone can relate, on some level, to what you've been through and of course it helps to know that we are not alone. I'm all for you moving on and past all of it, but I also know that you may have moments where you still need to vent, and I hope that you continue to do it here.

There will always be a bad beat story to tell, and many people who are happy to tell them. The real-life bad beats, however, are not nearly as easy to express.

 
At 9:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

sofa

king

gay

What you need is Salkie's 3 step plan to a better mood. This worked wonders during my time of trouble.

1. Smash things
2. drink heavily
3. smoke pot

Do this until you're over your troubles. Worked for me!

More punching, less writing.

sincerely,
the real anonymous

 
At 9:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

They always say you'll get over it....and you do. It takes you to get through it...no books, no friends, no family can help ease the pain. You have to count your blessings every day(aj) and go from there. You have to be happy...always remember that she betrayed you. She cut the cord, voided the contract..she made the decision the most cowardly way she could..and she continues to do it in your face. You have to use that as a positive. Every time you think about her..and her loser new guy...LAUGH as hard as you can. Know that one day, one month, one year down the road...she's going to tell you she made a big mistake..and it doesn't matter. What if she came up to you today and said she wanted to stay, could you let her?...fuck no. Her decision, her betrayal, her lies. Use this time to be a great dad and take card of you and AJ. I'm telling you, LAUGH OUT LOUD, at the thought of it. Just think, you could spend one more miserable day with the mother of you child who makes decisions based on the color of the first car to drive by. She chose another guy over you and AJ. Plain and simple. You may not be perfect, but you deserve better than her.....LAUGH every time you know that she's with him. I'm telling you. Stop crying, stop arguing with her and start smiling. You have everything in the world to look forward to and her in the rear view mirror....Don't ever doubt that you'll be in a much better place without her. LOOK WHAT SHE'S DOING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. What would you tell your best friend if the same thing was happening? Cry at first and then laugh. go get em.

 
At 1:33 PM, Blogger lil' perch said...

Joe,

I followed the link left by Otis to read your amazing posts. I am an average poker player and a less than mediocre blogger but folks divorcing with children is right in my roundhouse. I deal with it all day every day, hundreds of cases a month. Granted the stuff I see are the people who are not dealing with it very well but, thankfully, I do see some who are making it work, as best they can.

I took some time to think about what advice would be the most useful and how not to write a confusing novella and decided on this. There are going to be a lot of decisions that have to be made in the next few months. Co-parenting as separated people is a lot harder than co-parenting in the same house. There is one thing that can make it almost impossible to be successful. Geography.

You need to live near each other. If you accept that as gospel you can stop reading now. If not, justification below.

There is only a finite amount of time in each day. Kids only have so much time to be with parents, they have schedules too.

If parents live too far apart than the choice of daycare will have to be closer to one parent’s house than the other. Chances are that parent will then do the transportation to and from. (Time with child). Participate in events at the center and just generally be the point person. The other parent will be relegated to some evenings and weekends.

When school time comes around (and believe me although it may seem like it’s a million years away, it’s really knocking on the door). If the parent’s live in two different school districts, again choices have to be made which will greatly affect time.

Sooner or later kids get their own lives and are interested in spending time with their friends. Their friends are generally kids they have stuff in common with, from school or sports teams, kids they live close to. That’s who they want to hang with. It’s a heck of a lot easier if you live in the same community. If you don’t then at some point A.J. is not going to want to come to your house cause one of his friends is having birthday party or something and he doesn’t want to miss it.

Basically it’s all about time. The more the time you spend with your child the better. Sounds simple but it is not so easy to make work, divorced or not.

If you have questions for me or about me give me a shout on my blog. Up a Lazy River.

AgSweep

 
At 5:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

After reading the so-called "Real Anonymous" and his advice I want to say one thing:

That's one cat I'd like to get drunk and high with!

Or maybe I already have...

Sincerely,

The O.G. Anonymous

p.s. Smashie, Smashie

 
At 12:51 AM, Blogger Veneno said...

Just listening. It will get better...

 
At 7:55 PM, Blogger Obie said...

Speaker,

Hang in there, you'll turn the corner soon. You will look back on this and see that she made selfish decisions for short term gratification. You were there for the long haul. I can think of worse things than to be single in LA.

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger smokkee said...

The best way to get over your chick is to get under another one. At least it would make a good distraction from what you're going through with your ex.

think of the blog mileage you'd get.

Take care bro.

 
At 1:24 PM, Blogger Drizztdj said...

Anytime you need to win a coin flip in a poker game to cheer you up my chips are yours. ;)

Beautifully drafted as always Mr. Speaker.

 

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