Friday, June 22, 2007

Re-Writing the Rules

When Blinders approached me several months ago to talk about a new idea he had that would appeal to me (and pretty much everyone I know), I was immediately intrigued. There was the sports factor. There was the gambling games of skill factor. There was the "You mean I get my own avatar!" factor.

All of which came together even more awesomely than I could have imagined. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Fantasy Sports Live.

Unlike the big sites that take cash simply to host fantasy leagues, most of the money a player invests at FSL goes into the prize pool. You don't have to wait until the end of 162 games to find a winner. He has created the fantasy sports equivalent of SnGs, with daily contests and payouts. Blinders explains:

Just choose your stakes, draft a team of starters from the contest's games, and test your sports knowledge against others from around the country. We run the contests like sit and goes. They form up real-time, and close when the maximum entries are registered. Players then have until the start time to complete their draft. Once the contest starts, you can see the fantasy players on the teams you are against and a leaderboard shows the real-time contest standings. Also, by law all of our cash prizes are guaranteed. If we don't get the maximum entries it is like an overlay for those that are entered.

Simple as that. Now what are you waiting for? Click on the ad on the side-bar at right to sign up for using...ohmygod...I've always wanted to say this...Bonus Code Speaker!

And don't forget to tell all your friends.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


Big storm comin' on Friday. I think a massive percentage of people who drop by this spot are really gonna dig it. I've been working on a project with Blinders, Pauly and others. The best part is, you won't have to read any of my drivel.

No wait...the best part is this:

Stay tuned.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

I Was Quoted Out of Context!

In my first ever newspaper job, I delivered faxes, copied budgets and transcribed the daily fish reports. The Daily News of Los Angeles is responsible for that glorious start. And now, 17 years later, I return to their pages in triumph, or on the coattails of people more prolific and famous than I. No matter! For your reading pleasure:


On a related Offsprung note, a new feature has exited the birth canal on the site: The Playground. Here you can create an (free) account, start topics and join the burgeoining Offsprung world domination machine community.

Line up! Time for recess!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

High Five

The 5th Anniversary is known as the Wood Anniversary and I can think of nothing more appropriate since I sport wood every time a new issue of Truckin' comes out. Pauly deserves every kudos he gets for his writing, but his generosity and mentorship to others often goes overlooked. He encourages, admonishes and cheerleads. Without his spirit and this outlet, I'd not be here still.

Five years is an awesome achievement and I'm proud to be a wee part of it. Go read now.

Truckin' - June 2007, Vol. 6, Issue 6

1. Donuts with Baby & Winky by Paul McGuire
Baby sat on the edge of the coffee table and poured out an ashtray that overflowed with butts. She picked out three or four and lit one up. She took three drags and put it out before she lit up another used one. Then another... More

2. Three Men Leaving by Brad "Otis" Willis
The cash register hummed underneath the buzz of the overhead fluorescents. Together, the noises almost masked the sounds of the crickets. Their little love song sang through the open door and it was getting on Little Liza's nerves... More

3. Desperados by Joe Speaker
The start time was pragmatic. We didn't want to be traversing the Mexican desert in mid-day, especially in our unreliable cars. This way, we'd arrive shortly after dawn, being treated to a spectacular sunrise the last hundred miles or so. There are always trade-offs, though, and our schedule dictated we'd drive through the border town of Mexicali in the dead of night... More

4. Five Dollars for the Colonel by Dr. Tim Lavalli
Across the alley are these two trailers, the back one is Annie's and she'll give you head for twenty bucks, only the Colonel don't like her doing that, so you give him $5 and he goes to get his bottle of muscatel but he doesn't like the folks at Abe's Liquor so he goes down the street to the Chinaman's and then you go to see Annie while he is getting his wine... More

5. Leaving the City by Sigge S. Amdal
All of this mud, all of this poison pumping from my pitch black heart, through my veins and out the razor sharp tip of the pen is nothing but unclean blood for you to leech on. As I see the city disappear, minute-by-minute, I become much more a man... More

6. Rose by Doog
Rose's heart pounded with anticipation, a strange mix of exhilaration and fear of the unknown coursing through her veins. Keeper opened the door and stepped through into the world outside... More

7. Las Vegas Car Battery by Dingo
I suppose because of my accent I seem to attract a weird and wide selection of sheilas and broads. I am quite okay looking, or so people tell me, so picking up sheilas has never been a problem. Mine all just seem to be total whack jobs... More

Monday, June 11, 2007

It's So On! Again!

It's difficult to believe at my advanced age that dreams can indeed come true, but this weekend brought another milestone for me to look back upon with fondness when I'm drooling on a terry cloth robe in the nursing home.

America has deemed that I, Joe Speaker, am hotter than another guy, according to the highly scientific poll at Ladies....

I tear up just thinking about it. Alas, this is bad news for the rest of you, because I'm now in the second round and you get another pandering post. It's really quite counter-intuitive. Each time you vote for me, you only consign yourself to more of these. Selfless you are. Every last one of ya.

My opponent this time around is Tec from Pittsbugh Sports and Mini Ponies. Judging from his picture, he appears to be a Siamese twin. No fair! Two against one!

Since I am no longer advocating backdoor shenanigans (at least until the weekend) and the only guy I know who lives in Pittsburgh is in Vegas and therefore unavailable to shiv my adversary, I must once again plead for your vote.

As I told April, advancement is less about my hotness (though, seriously, I'm a handsome fucker) than it is about the power of the WPBT and driving traffic to Up For Sports. Remember, all that you give will come back to you tenfold, very likely in the form of alcohol.

Vote here!

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Stuff It!

It is of little consequence to me that I am considered a "less hot sports blogger" (by a 2-1 margin!) than the randomly chosen guy who has a Caeser haircut and looks like F-Train (hard to compete with those baby blues!).

My self-esteem remains intact despite being hung up like a mug shot of beef for widespread oogling by Internet lassies.

But a 13 seed?

That's fucking ridiculous.

Ladies… is holding this Hot Sports Blogger Contest. I'm getting my ass waxed by psuedo-Train, but I have not yet begun to fight! Here's the bracket. I'm toward the bottom. Ballot stuffing is allowed and encouraged. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's the only reason I'm losing. By a 2-1 margin.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Hello...Is It Me You're Looking For?

"So, are you ever gonna write at The Obituarium, again?"

"Yes," I said. And because I am Train's LA Boyfriend, I think Lionel Ritchie is a good soundtrack for what follows.

Of course, with all the poker stuff at Poker Works and all the AJ stuff at Offsprung (notice that new little banner over there? Pretty cool. If you want one, lemme know. I know most of you have ads that people actually pay you and I can't do that, but remember that time I bought you a drink at the IP?), there's not much else to report on the Life of Speaker. Though that will change soon enough. I'm involved in all sorts of quasi-legal proceedings at this juncture and once they become public, we'll talk about 'em here.

I did order a new computer today. It's a Mac Book Pro. I don't know how to use it, but I've been assured by everyone in the Mac Universe (why do they all speak in monotone and call me "master?") that I have made a revolutionary choice and my master plan to create and post amatuer art films on suburban ennui will be perfectly suited to the new rig and bring me one step closer to Internet Domination. It's going to be really hard to use an intuitive machine after my many years of servitude to the Gates Empire, from whom I fully expect a gold watch and a meager pension upon exit.

The machine might arrive by this weekend and if that's the case I'll try to contact you WPBT people in Vegas, so I can give you a show on my cam. It will be free and highly personalized. This morning I started gnashing my teeth over my non-attendance at the event, the first I've missed since winning my WPBT merit badge back in '05. I never have more fun than I do at those things and it's less the setting than the people, though the setting does lend itself to just the types of shenanigans that get my juices boiling. I'll miss you and in your absence I'll speak of you kindly.

To compensate for that fun gap, I've got a couple other things going on this month that should provide hilarity, including a brief hit-and-run stop in Vegas later in June that luckily coincides with My Main Man drizz's PLO Bracelet Quest. Is the Amazon Room wheelchair accesible? Does anybody know a good Italian Restaurant with a ramp?

I haven't been to Vegas since February and the Festivus of Betty, so I'm starting to get the shakes a little. Must. Have. Greyhound.

Anyway, to those who are going this weekend...have fun, drink water occasionally and leave a lasting impression, so the others can make jokes about you for years afterward. And I'm serious about the cam thing.