Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Eat a Peach

Mom: What are YOU going to do at the Playboy Mansion?"
Me: Stand there with my mouth open.

Yes, it's true. After nearly 39 years on the planet and dozens of brushes with greatness--appearances on Scrabble and Greed, a 35-minute set on the stage of the Sunset Strip's own World Famous Whiskey-A-Go-Go, twenty seconds worth of B-roll on the KTVU evening news and minor internet celebrity status as The Divorcing Guy--I have hit the Big Time. I'm gonna hang out with Hef and bluff some playmates. Or, to put that last part another way, check-raise some Fun Bags.

I make no apologies for my good fortune. That sorta thing has been in short supply around Chez Speaker these days. In fact, very few people, at this point in history, are MORE deserving of a trip to Mansion. Maybe Jennifer Aniston. Maybe a few Make-a-Wish Foundation teenagers. But that's it.

So, I bet you want to know what I'm wearing. Oh, the fucking pressure. It has been relieved somewhat by the flurry of e-mails between--and betwixt--a half-dozen 30-something heterosexual males worrying over their wardrobe for the festivities. It's high comedy, I can assure you.

I'm tempted to "dance with the girl that brung me," the nice--but ratty in all the right places--jeans, big clumpy black shoes and a pressed, tailored, untucked vertical-striped dress shirt in a pleasing hue. It's a good look for me, what with the slenderness and the five-and-a-half feet of legs that make up my 6'1" frame. But this is the Playboy Mansion! It's not Tuesday night at TGiF's.

I went shopping, too. Duh. This being LA, a "Must Have" is a black leather jacket. And I have one. But I bought it before I got married. It's a stylish cut, but lately it's begun to take on the odor of a rest home. So I went looking for a jacket, perhaps to top my usual look. But I didn't want black leather. I wanted something different. Maybe something in a suede (hold the fringe, thank you). I failed in the suede department and ended up with a brown leather jacket. And now, three days later, I know I'm not wearing it to the Playboy Mansion. I still like it, though.

I also bought something that just caught my eye. I was at the outlet mall and wandered into Hugo Boss. I walked out with a form-fitting, light gray, faux turtleneck, ribbed sweater, or, as I like to call it, "The Adjective Sweater." It's a slim cut, so it accentuates my thinness. Usually, I hate that, but, for some reason, I get a good vibe off this particular model. All it takes is one Playmate to have a fetish for skinny brown guys and I'm gold.

So I think that's what I'm going with. The question now is do I pair it with the nice jeans or with slacks. I have two pairs of the latter that would work nicely, both flat-front, to further amplify my vertical lines (I honestly don't know what that means, but it sounds reasonable). One pair is black, the other charcoal gray. And while the sweater looks very good with the charcoal gray (based on all the eye contact action I got on the train when I wore the ensemble on Monday morning), I'm thinking it's a bit dressy, a bit "He's trying too hard."

Boy, who knew I could turn such a macho thing as a trip to the Playboy Mansion into Ubergeigh Central?

This thing came about unexpectedly and we were all lucky enough to have already planned to be in Vegas this weekend, a weekend originally conceived as a way to get me the hell out of Dodge, one planned during the height of The Troubles. I'd like to think the kind and supportive souls who spent their good money on airplane fares to cheer up a pitiful friend have been rewarded with this little adventure. I'd also like to think that telling my story on Saturday night might convince one (or more than one) drunk and empathetic Playmate to offer up a Mercy Romp. I'd like to think a Playmate exists who knows what "empathetic" means.

I've spent enough time in and around this city to know what happens when I talk to beautiful stupid women (and yes, I'm making certain assumptions here based on the way Playmates are presented in the mass media, including, but not limited to reality shows and morning radio programs). What happens is they either laugh at inappropriate spots in the conversation, a sure sign they are either not listening to me or don't understand what I'm saying, or they stare at me with a look suggesting a coma. I have a good friend who has never, in her entire life, had an ugly female friend. While she's a college-educated, professional woman, all her friends are part of the nebulous model/actress/Coors Light Girl/Ring Card Girl sub-culture that exists in this empty city. And, without fail, they're all idiots. Beautiful, vacuous vessels who tend to smile at me like I'm an irrelevant child or an inconsequential house pet. Every attempt to set me up with one of these dingbats has met with disaster. One even said she couldn't date me because I was smarter than she was, whereupon I had to resist the urge to inform her if that's her idea of a deal breaker, she's reduced her potential pool to a miniscule percentage of the population.

Just thought I'd help the rest of ya out with the whole "insecurities" thing.

That said, I'm gonna get trashed and make lewd comments at every opportunity. I'll make sure to use multi-syllabic words so the Bunnies don't catch on. I'm also gonna give Al a dollar every time he introduces himself as Duane Allman.


At 4:18 PM, Blogger iamhoff said...

I so badly want to hate you (and BG and everybody else who gets to go), but I can't hate you because you are so deserving of this. Enjoy the holy living fucking shit out of this and bring back pix and extremely detailed descriptions! Those of us who aren't as charmed as you deserve a little love. Maybe issuing a dial a shot on location. No need to have a long conversation with a bunny or anything...just the idea of a dial a shot from the mansion is way too cool. You suck, but I must suck more, because I'm still jealous of you!

At 4:55 PM, Anonymous Tennyson said...

Don't Speak to Models! They arent for talking to. Just pretend to listen.

Bring a wetsuit and some sanitizer.

At 5:14 PM, Blogger Derek McG said...

have fun joe . . . remember to clean the drool off your chin!

At 7:40 PM, Blogger Kel said...

fashion advise:
focus on shoes and ass


laugh at inappropriate spots in the conversation

and try not to stare with a look suggesting a coma

At 7:43 PM, Blogger Bloody P said...


You think YOU deserve this?? I understand that you've been through a TERRIBLE ordeal, I do, but dood, seriously.

There are people that are still MARRIED out here that would kill for this chance (see and for more details)! Any chance!

Any sort of scantily clad woman besides our wives near us at all!!

You get to live the dream now. We don't. Count me in the "I (don't really) Hate Joe Speaker" camp.


OK, you deserve it.

Lucky bastard...

At 7:48 PM, Blogger elizabeth said...

oooh playboy bunnies and mysterious dates..your singledom is far outweighing mine. so looking forward to the details when you get back. take notes if necessary, even if it's drunken scrawl, because we want to hear everything, especially the naughty bits.

At 12:29 AM, Blogger Div said...

Remember many of these girls are HALF your age.

So, even it up by grabbing two at a time.

At 4:47 AM, Anonymous willythewise said...

Duane Allmann was 6 foot 5.

At 5:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would have gone with the ripped jeans and a Slaytanic Wehrmacht tee...have fun Mr. Speaker


At 6:10 AM, Blogger Daddy said...

Be sure to drop the 45-minute Mountain Jam if they have it on the juke.

I was really hoping someone would go Curtis "Booger" Armstrong and sport the Wrangler bluejean / rag-tattered "Who Farted?" T-shirt combo, but alas the spirit of Daddy must fade into bolivian.

Oh, and I've decided to offer up a Stuckey's pecan log roll bounty to whoever jerks off in the most mansion bathrooms. Rubbing one out in the grotto counts as double.

At 6:57 AM, Blogger Randy G said...

Al, BG, and you in the Mansion at the same time. I'll be sure to watch the 5:00pm news that day to see the madness that ensues. You better take pictures and notes.

At 7:15 AM, Anonymous Lou said...

So Joe, are you going to tell the story of how you were blessed with such a bounty of being able to party at the Playboy mansion?

As for fashion, blazers are big lately. A black sportcoat with a t-shirt and jeans will probably go over well. Then again, I live in Rhode Island, where we are at least a full year behind the fashion curve.

At 8:09 AM, Blogger Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

I would never wear that to the mansion. The times I've been there and spoken to Heff...he always responds to a man who wears Ralph with cuff links. If you think that doesn't work...well I've been there 4 times, mate.

At 8:17 AM, Blogger BSN said...



Talking is overrated when it comes to enjoying yourself with a beautiful woman.

Every time Al introduces himself as Duane Allman, you should all shout, "Wail on, Skydog!"

Not Ubergiegh sort of way, though - more of a NASCAR sort of way.

At 9:03 AM, Blogger AlCantHang said...

How'd you know my pickup line, did I use it Vegas last time?

At 9:36 AM, Blogger Mr. Friendly said...

Jeez, wow, Joe, that is fantastic!

Certainly beats my weekend plans.

Mrs. Friendly has been trying ot corner me for weeks. She would like to discuss plans regarding our, yet to be born, son's circumcision.

But don't waste time thinking about my problems, have a great time!

At 10:16 AM, Blogger Roman said...

"Hi, I'm Joe and I'm a widower. Here's a pic of my motherless son."

Guaranteed. Ass. Play.

What do you mean you can't go? There's two really cute girls sitting at the counter eating grilled cheese. Cheese, George! Cheese!

At 1:51 PM, Blogger Tooloftheman said...

I implore you not to get soooo wasted that you are unable to provide the appropriate write up come monday morning.

The idea of you, al, CJ, and BG in the playboy mansion at the same time just screams "sitcom pilot" to me for some reason.

At 2:24 PM, Blogger Jestocost said...

If Al can figure out how to get a Playmate to offer up a SoCo body shot, someone better take (and post) a picture.

At 2:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was the jerk who busted you with AQ against your push with AK from BB in the FTP 1am tourney yesterday.Im sorry for being an Ass and apologize to you and your friends.
Good Luck in the future

At 3:50 PM, Blogger Blinders said...

Good luck with the bunnies man. Hard to get your A-game back on short notice, but don't quit till the last one says no. If you get aroung to propositioning all of them your a legend any way, and may qualify for a world record you will be proud of. Don't forget to bluff, hammer, and check raise.

If you get a chance can you hook a fellow So Cal (Costa Mesa) blogger with a link

At 9:03 PM, Blogger BigMike said...

A general question:

When going to the playboy mansion do you dress to impress the bunnies or Hef? And will the same outfit impress both? I have never seen the man outside of pajamas...

At 11:13 AM, Blogger iamhoff said...

dial a shots! remember the dial a shots! Also, since BG's colon is functional again, is there an over/under on how many bathrooms he'll crap in at the mansion?

At 1:10 AM, Blogger Veneno said...

What's all the hype? A few bunnies in a mansion...big deal!

Have fun!


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