Feelin' Frisky

What is the best recipe for demonstrating my true inability to play this fine game of poker? Right. Enter a tournament above my usual buy-in, at a site where I haven't played much and document it in a Running Diary.

Welcome to my nightmare, aka the $50/$5 MTT on Party, featuring 780 of my closet friends.

And away we go:

8:00: Tight is right. Tight is right.

8:01: $39,000 prize pool. 80 places paid.

8:04: The first hand at my table takes 4 minutes to complete. Gonna be a long night.

8:05: In a search for positive omens, I note I've been seated in my lucky chair: Seat 3, always my preferred spot when buying into Party SnGs. Yes, my icon wears a pinkish shirt and sports fashionably long sideburns.

8:07: I can't actually grow sideburns. I'm a fairly hairless guy. I do presently have some "spinach" on my chin, but that's the best I can manage. No full goatees for me. Any moustache I try to grow has a density approximating that of a 13-year-old Latino boy.

8:09: I see my first flop in the BB with The Jackhammer. No love.

8:12: KQ is a filthy whore. Fortunately, I know this and fold it on the button to a minimum raise (from A6o who makes a boat).

8:14: I take my first pot with Big Slick. Two callers to the 3x raise. Raggedy-ass flop misses me, but follow-up bet takes it down.

8:15: Level 1 complete. I have outlasted 104 players thus far. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

8:19: I'm moved. Now I have a definitely pink shirt and blonde hair. Have yet to see much looseness, though I'm sure it's happening somewhere. And there are two short stacks at my new digs, so maybe...

8:23: I limp in LP with small suited connectors, you know, just to get the call button a workout. SB raises 4x. BB comes over the top. Obviously I fold and they both push. It's KK v. QQ. Flop is all clubs, which would have given me the flush. Dang. Can't you people slow-play your hands?

8:34: AJ decides to play with the phone, disconnecting me. I get AcKc when I return. Two callers to my 4x raise. Flop is an absolute whiff and I fold to a bet. Down to T900.

8:45: Nothing much to report. T885. Tight table.

8:46: Check that. Aces, baby. One caller to my 4x raise. Folds to flop bet. T1050

8:52: Let's try that again. Nothing much to report.

8:53: The check-raise bluff (or at least with the worst hand) is very popular on Party. I don't see it anywhere else. Guy just pushed with second pair after checking. Naturally, he caught runner-runner gunshot to beat top pair.

8:56: Dear me, Party players don't fold. Don't try to bluff or semi-bluff them. Defended my SB with QdTd vs. a 3x (first in) raise from the button. Flopped an OESD and backdoor flush draw (KdJc8s). Bet, got pushed, knew he had shit and called. No catch for me and his ace-four is good. Seriously. I know he ain't folding. Save my chips for a better spot. Dumb. I really need to adjust to these fuckers if I'm gonna play here.

And that's the predictable end to my tale. Almost made it an hour.