Vegas for Rummies

Five weeks. Cinco.

I believe that puts us on approach to the clubhouse turn. Welcome to this week's edition of "The Countdown," the world's lamest weekly forecasting show, where I attempt to fill blank cyberspace with unnecessary personal factoids and puerile musings on the upcoming WPBT Aladdin Classic. Let's get right to the program.

Inspired by the largest Human Head in the blogosphere's question regarding Vegas tips (of which mine were mocked--MOCKED I TELL YOU), I'll be introducing a new feature I like to call:

Vegas for Rummies

Let further mockery ensue.

My credentials are impeccable. Everything I say is gospel. You may or may not get arrested. Strict adherence is mandatory. Today's topic:

How to Deal with Hangovers

Stay home. Even if you don't drink, you will. It's like when I stay with my midwestern relatives for a few days and suddenly start saying things like "sodie pop." A few hours in the AlCantHang orbit and you will assimilate. It is inevitable. The only sure way to avoid a swollen cerebral cortex and a pissed off liver is to not leave the house.

Drink Non-Alcoholic Fluids. Eventually, you are going to reach a point where further alcohol consumption results in one of two things:
1. The saturation point where not even back-to-back-to-back Irish Car Bombs can move your drunk forward, or
2. Find yourself curled up on the cold tile floor of casino bathroom in a puddle of godknowswhat.

The key is recognizing that time. And mixing in some water. Or Gatorade. Flush out the system. Pee a lot. Also have plenty of these beverages available for the first thing in the morning. Futhermore, the weather in Vegas can be oppressively hot, akin to spending a weekend in Dom DeLuise's armpit. Hydrate, people. The heat/alcohol can dry you out in a hurry. Take steps and you won't wake up looking like Iggy Pop.

Don't forget to eat. You will be surprised how the simple tasks of daily life fail to translate in the land of round-the-clock gambling and drinking. At some point, you will surely exclaim, "Holy Shit! I haven't eaten today!" and you'll grab a hot dog or a bowl of chili or some jalapeno poppers. DON'T! Try getting a nice foundation in the morning (breakfast is the most important meal of the day, you know), but stay away from the greasy stuff. Breads, cereals and muffins are preferable (the judges will also accept Krispy Kreme). And at some point during the afternoon/evening, take an hour or 90 minutes away from the table/bar to get a proper meal in you. I'd also recommend avoiding the 4 a.m. stampede to the cafe for three-egg omlettes, but then I'd be a hypocrite, because I LOVE THAT PART.

Sleep it off. Face it, you aren't going to sleep much. But a well-timed nap can do wonders. Don't go too long though, Van Winkle. I find an hour is about perfect. Make sure someone is available to bring you back to consciousness. If you like, G-Rob will kick you awake for $20.

Pain relivers. Anyone with experience in these matters can tell you the best pain relief for a morning hangover is a hit or six off the water pipe. If that's not your thing, Tylenol works too. Wait until after breakfast, though.

Hair of the Dog. Oh precious bloody marys. You are so fine and delicious. I find 4-6 of these bad boys after breakfast to be the perfect tonic. There's a crash, though. And that's a good time for the nap.

I hope this has helped.

Next week's topic: Tipping