'Twas the Night before Vegas

Twas the Night Before Vegas, when all through the 'sphere
Degenerates were stirring, the day's finally here
The Bracelet is hung, thrice confirmed says the tale,
he hopes to make quads, telling girls he's a whale
Otis was nestled, all snug in his bed
while hammers and Pai-Gows danced in his head
Gracie in her kerchief and Hank in his cap
hunched over the abacus, figuring math
When deep in the desert, there arose such a clatter
Dings and bells, a nine-dollar steak platter
Into McCarron they flew like a flash
Tore open their wallets and pulled out their stash
The neon sparkled like a huge growing pot
Mr. Subliminal shifted on his state-sponsored cot
When what to their wondering eyes should appear
a dwarf, with a Guinness, who grinned ear to ear
He rode on the back of a donkey named Laddy
an ass who got twitchy when she turned to see Daddy
The doors opened up, the carousers they came
and Chairman Bill Rini called them all out by name
Now Absinthe, Now Wheaton, Now Sundance and EZ
On ephro, On Glyphic, On F-Train and BG
To the tables they go, poker sirens they call
now bet away, raise away, bluff away all
And then, in a twinkling, cards in their hands
a convergence of genius from far away lands
I raised with the Hammer, it was folded around
When into the fray AlCantHang came with a bound
With a tray full of shot glasses, 3 dozen at least
all filled to the brim, an amber-tinged feast
A bottle or four were slung on his back
and Big Mike and Eva carried more in a sack
Mean Gene raised a glass, to the Steelers and State
Chad responded "Skol Vikings, Brad Johnson is great!"
BadBlood was flexing, throwing goats and a chair
The Prof ducked in time, never mussing his hair
Maudie wasn't so lucky, hard metal on skull
The Princess raised often, her winning gets dull
Joanne and Travis walked around saying "eh?"
The Poker Geek's girlfriend taught him how to play
Franklin and facty traded one-liners like Pryor
EV had to re-buy, 'cause drizz's stack was higher
Grub took a bad beat, change100 got high
Spaceman did too, visions of Krispy Kreme in his eye
Pauly was re-charged, though his aces were cracked
but he did spin the wheel right before Derek yakked.
on_thg with his goddamn four syllables
spied an Omatard and got ready to gamb0000l
Chilly and Marty brought news from St. Lou,
"CJ's a luckbox and G-Rob is too"
The Aprils were fawning, Phil Gordon was near
The Rooster protested, said "Stud is right here"
StB hit the bar, drank straight from the tap
The Venetian panned "Gigli," said "J-Lo is crap"
Human Head started to bobble, his eyes getting glassy
"Thuder Down Under," he said, "Man, that show's classy."
Shelly was junk-kicking, Alan just straddled
The Donkey Puncher was way SoCo addled
The party wound down, off for sleep and a shower
The tournament starts in just over an hour
And all you first timers, from Cali to Maine
I'll take notes this weekend, for when I do this again.