Thursday, September 29, 2005

Say My Name!

I think it was "OCab" which sent me over the brink. Or maybe it was "JRich."

I blame the idiot who first called Alex Rodriguez "A-Rod." Anybody know who that guy is? Give him a punch in the face for me. Suddenly, this oh-so-simple and oh-so-clever melding of the first initial and last name became a basis for EVERY FUCKING NICKNAME ON THE PLANET.

TMac. DLee. K-Rod.

This would only be a good thing if Pete LaCock was still playing. Seriously, can any of you even tell me who "OCab" is?

Creativity, where have you gone? The Mad Stork, The Splendid Splinter, Magic, The Broad Street Bullies, Sudden Sam McDowell. Those are nicknames. If The Kid were alive and in the American League today, he'd be TWill. Great.

Thankfully, we have poker. Devilfish, Texas Dolly, Johnny World, The Elegance, AlCantHang. The last vestige of artistry.


Now that the A's have been eliminated from post-season contention (and I've mulled a 12,000-word essay summation. Anyone interested in that? Thought not), I'm throwing my allegiance to the Tribe. What a great job Mark Shapiro has done putting that team together. Patched up that horrible bullpen, added Millwood to a glittering group of kids in the rotation and that lineup is flat out frightening top to bottom. Not to mention the highway robberies he pulled on Omar Minaya and John Hart to grab Sizemore, Hafner, et al. Jeez, I wonder if Hart's O-Ring has recovered yet. I bet he needed a couple dozen stitches to close that gaping wound. Einer Diaz and Ryan Drese for Hafner (who actually DOES have a good nickname, "Pronk"). I guess you could argue Hafner was superfluous to the offensively-loaded Rangers, but wouldn't you want to get back something for such a massive talent? Like, oh gosh, I dunno, some goddamn pitching? Or is running out 30 different has-beens over the course of the season (as they've done two years in a row) Hart's idea of pitching. Just an awful job and a perfect counter-point to Shapiro's excellence.

Let's go Tribe. The good people of Cleveland deserve a winner (I actually have no idea if the people of Cleveland are good, but I am giving them the benefit of the doubt).

Their inclusion would also save us from another breathless postseason of Yankee-Red Sox over-drama. As a baseball fan first, the idea of that rivalry is awesome. That awesomeness exists only in a vacuum, however. The current truth is, we have two bloated franchises, neither of which has a single player worth rooting for. We'll get four weeks of Joe Buck's fawning over Jeter's awesome leadership and Varitek's veteran presence, the grittiness of the clubs to overcome all obstacles on their meager combined payrolls of nearly $350 million. McCarver will emote over the brilliant acquisition of Aaron Small, while ignoring the egregious errors of Pavano and Wright and Brown and the 27 re-treads Cashman brought in (Nomo anyone?) before lucking into this Cinderalla Guy whose Midnight can come at any second. Not to mention over-the-top FOX promotions placing far too much importance on something we're already bored of watching, all while Buck and McCarver rub themselves under the table.

On another note, I'd like to take up a collection to entice Bob Gibson out of retirement to pitch a game against the Red Sox. Everytime those show-boating cocksuckers Manny and Ortiz come to the plate, Gibson can put one in their ear. Seriously, it's like they have a prop bet to see who can stand at home plate and admire their shots the longest. I can't believe there is not a huge outcry over this. It is unconscionable and it wasn't too long ago both these assholes would spend a lot of time in the dirt for this shit.

I blame the same guy who came up with "A-Rod."


Do I sound like a curmudgeonly old man? I'm not. I'm an irritated middle-aged man and I am not one of those, "Back in my day, everything was better" types. Almost everything is better now, except maybe the ozone layer. But traits like respect and character are no longer valued in popular culture. Instead we have self-promotion and blamelessness. It's tragic. While I'm at it, I'd like to request critical thinking come back into vogue.

Okay, so I'm a little curmudgeonly.


On to greater things, Pauly has published another edition of his excellent literary blogzine, Truckin'. I have again managed to extort him into including a tale of mine about being "young and vulnerable." Sorry, it's not about high school girls.

One of my favorite all-time stories is included, courtesy of Daddy and former blogger (I keed!) Human Head breaks his cherry. Sounds like things are going well at work for Head.

Please give 'em a look and thanks, as always, to Pauly for his hard work and timely blackmail payments.

I have also been remiss in not thanking the good people (these I actually know are good people, not to mention their quality content) at Oddjack and Lord Admiral Radio for their recent kind words/pimpage. I and my ego are eternally grateful.


At 12:21 PM, Blogger BadBlood said...

OCab - Orlando Cabrera? Maybe?

As a long time Sox fan, I forgive thy spewings of vitriol. Just remember, in 1988 and 1990, I hated the A's.

I can totally understand you rooting for Cleveland, I rooted for the Dodgers, Giants and Reds way back when.

Rock on JSpeak!

At 2:35 PM, Blogger Chad said...

I rarely watch baseball because I have better things to do with 4 hours of my day, like finding new and clever ways to wipe my ass(clockwise, counter-clockwise, The Zorro), but we need to start a petition that states "No More Joe Buck".

Rama-lama...oh go fuck yourself, Joe(Buck).

At 2:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Joe, IMO your baseball rants have always been your best posts, and thank you for finally using my real name in your stories. The world should know what a great man I am (or was).


Dirty Don

At 10:35 PM, Blogger trumpjosh said...

Okay, I hereby call bullshit. How can you not root for David Ortiz? Seriously... Mr. Clutch and king of the nice guys.

Yes, I'm a homer and I don't care. I hope the Indians take it in the shorts.

Other than that, nice blog. ;-)

At 4:12 AM, Blogger Human Head said...

Thanks for the mention bro!

I'm definitely not former status, just hiatus-ed. I'll be back, I swear it.

And oddly enough, things are actually going prety well at the j.o.b. (other than the fact that I have to actually go :))

As always, your posts and stories continue to rule.

At 3:46 PM, Anonymous Johnny FlopBoot said...

Concurrance on the baseball posts being top-notch.

Screw the damn Yankees/Red Sox... I hope they both go out in the first round so I can actually give a shit about who wins.

In fact I don't really have any interest in any of the teams, since I am a Marlins fan (D-Train.. now there's a decent nickname, so much better than D-Will... Cy Young anyone??) but I will root for anyone OTHER than the Sox/Yanks strictly for the reason that I'm tired of having it shoved down my throat as the "GREATEST SPORTS RIVALRY OF ALL TIME!"

You know what's the greatest sports rivalry for me? UM-FSU. Know why? Cause the teams mean something to me... I've lived in South Florida my whole life, and thanks but I get enough of New York and Boston is my daily life, I don't need it every time I try to watch a sporting contest.

In fact, I think I'll root for the Padres, just cause THAT would make a great story. Them or Houston, how bout that FOX.. suck my balls.


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