Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Word Problems

Here in barren California, we have a push. The tax benefit from the federal stimulus package is about equal to the new (regressive) taxes being levied by our great state to dig themselves out of a $42 billion dollar budget hole. Our forced donations are coupled with massive cuts to schools, among other things. Nice job. The company where I've been employed for more than 11 years is in Bankruptcy (not because of the economy, as they like to say, but because of their idiotic, leveraged deal that saddled the company with $9 Billion, with a 'B,' in debt) and laying off people by the bucket load. I live in an absurdly over-priced apartment, for the location, which is less my fault than it is the fact the area's apartments are all owned by the same company, constituting a near-monopoly, but hey! my pad is only 50 miles away from my job, a job I get to via mass transit for the low, low price of $300 per month. I can't move because AJ is here. And by "here," I mean a city with a total dearth of white collar jobs. X won't move, because The Douchebag is "established" here, which is a curious word, considering he was a 35-year-old man living with his Mommy before X took him in and for the fact he's "established" himself 1300 miles from his own children.

What circle of Hell am I currently in? Please show your work.


At 11:36 AM, Blogger vandy said...

Sorry that life is hammering at ya right now... obv that means you're in the 72nd circle. Hang in there!

At 1:32 PM, Anonymous Absinthe said...

Since hell is other people, your personal "circle" of hell is constantly fluctuating, but you can do a back-of-the-envelope calculation thusly:

C = (p-m)/j

where C is your current hellcircle;
p is the number of people currently making your life hell;
m is the mitigating factor of people worth living for;
and j is the number of times per day you masturbate in an attempt to escape the soul-crushing pressure of modern life.

Hint: no matter how large j gets, C will always be greater than 1 unless you're the last human on earth. Also, chafing.

At 2:11 PM, Blogger pokerpeaker said...

I'm in the newspaper business too, but at least you have options:

• Start a heavy metal band - Start to work your voice into a growl. You might have to ditch the hair gel as that's pretty gay and metal fans will probably kill you, but you could use it to fluff up your eyebrows like Lemmy.

• Pro soccer player - Wait. You'd have to take a pay cut. Never mind.

• WSOP victory - Start practicing now and beg Pauly to back you.

At 4:59 PM, Blogger TenMile said...

Take heart. Maybe the poet will slide away from the x for a motherly type ex-stripper, the x will sue for divorce and child support and win. AJ will then opt for fatherly care giving, move in with you. You will then claim AJ and the child support.


At 6:00 PM, Blogger The Bracelet said...

If A equals B and B equals C, then, of course, A would equal C. Now, if A squared plus B squared equals C squared, you can reasonable assume that the Side Angle Side Theorem is true and in full effect. So, understanding this and how it pertains to f(x) being continuous as the derivative is, um...derived, then what you need to consider is whether or not two negatives make a positive. You see Joe, if A (Joe Speaker) is greater than B (Ebola Virus) and B (Ebola Virus) is greater than C (Douchebag Poet) than you can safely predict that A (Joe Speaker) is also greater than C (Douchebag Poet). Now, we already know this because of the wrapping of life and gifts and tightly and whatnot, but we also have to consider that an angle greater than 90 degrees is no longer acute. You see, an obtuse angle is important because we've clearly moved onto hip rotation. Hip rotation may seem insignificant to a layperson. Laypeople suck and are unedumacated. Hip rotation is the key to everything. Think of your legs up to your hips as a triangle. Are you visualizing a congruent triangle? Isosceles? Equilateral? I'll tell you what type you're visualizing. A fucking Right Triangle, that's what kind. Now what did I tell you about the importance of obtuse angles? You can't properly circumvent the radius without secants and tangents. Why? BECAUSE OF ANGLES OF REFLECTION!!!

Hope that helps.

At 8:21 AM, Blogger Drizztdj said...

I was told there would be no math.

Chafing is something I can relate to though.

No one likes chafing.

At 10:41 AM, Blogger Fuel55 said...

Get the douchebag poet whacked. That'll fix everything.

At 9:58 AM, Blogger Instant Tragedy said...

I'm feeling your pain brother. Just keep up the faith.


At 10:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

nice work


At 2:43 PM, Blogger Iak said...

Well I don't like to disagree with math luminaries like Ryan or er... The Bracelet, but I don't think the question is best answered with algebra [or whatever the fuck that was].

Instead, I think open-ended free verse best captures the spirit of our current, nigh-on apocalyptic, daydream gone wrong.

Let me explain. No. There is no time. Let me sum up:

"We are, like unsuspecting
And undeserving
caught in oncoming silent
but furious grill of a Prius
driven by a man driven mad
on crystal meth...
Weep 401k, Weep.

Bleeding and screams to follow."

Do you see? It's all in the spacing.

Be well.


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