Wednesday, October 04, 2006

We Have a Situation

"Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet."
--The Wolf, Pulp Fiction

Suppose you're an overwhelming chip leader on the Final Table bubble of a major poker event (live poker, of course; We here at The Obituarium, a blog about dead people and rodent fetishes, would never advocate playing socially useless online poker). You've played perfect poker for five days, have all of your opponents' backs against the wall and are dictating the tenor of the whole shebang.

Now let's suppose you turn into someone completely different, start to feel a little pressure, make a dozen idiotic moves, each more impossibly surreal than the last, and you bubble, heading to the rail before the klieg lights and Vince Van Patten get switched on. Hard to believe, huh?

Well, the Oakland Athletics Baseball Club has pulled a similar feat before. TWICE. Which is why I sit here today, even after they won the first two games of the ALDS on the road in The Metrodome, that marvel of modern industry and annoyance, scared to death of what happens next, what monumental fuck-up will fuel the collapse this time around.

The team is different, I'm told. Indeed, only two position players remain from the 2003 team that coughed up a 2-0 lead to the Red Sox. I'ts the Twins who are making the mistakes, they say. And so they have, Torii Hunter doing his best Terrence Long impression not only by not catching the ball, but by playing it into a two-run inside-the-park home run. The A's Game 3 starter, Dan Haren, shut out the Twins last month in the Dome to avert a sweep and will be opposed by Brad Radke who just happens to be pitching with a broken shoulder socket, making the line on him having a "Dravecky" moment at -240. The Big Ouchy Man (tip o' the cap to Randy G for that one) anchors the lineup and the clubhouse, seeming to will the A's to victory with his ferocious presence. Justin Duchscherer is so awesome that I'd have man-on-man sex with him right now if he simply asked. Even Milton Bradley cracked a smile today.

But I'm not convinced. Will not be until they stop the skid. Let me repeat: The A's are 0-9 since 2000 in ALDS clinching games. Oh-and-fucking-nine. Do you have any idea what that does to a psyche?

Nope. No happiness here. No visions of pitching mound dogpiles. All I see is me crying in the bathroom after Melhuse and Long took called third strikes with the tying run on 3rd to end the '03 season. Some people might be loading up on celebratory champagne. Me? I'm off to Costo for some tissue.


At 3:18 PM, Blogger SoxLover said...

No empathy.

Much sympathy.

I'd prefer you all sweep however since I want a rested rotation for whomever you face in the next round...

At 4:00 PM, Blogger alan said...

I was at that game in 2003. I think the A's are a better team this year, and will sweep.


At 5:55 PM, Blogger Bloody P said...

The A's have inched to "#3 Most Hated Team" behind the White Sox and the Yankees...

At 8:53 AM, Blogger facty said...

Still looking for furniture to impress babes?

This aint gonna do it. But at least you can have somewhere to weep with all your tissues.

At 10:26 AM, Blogger Miami Don said...

Haren will shut down the Twins. Get your broom ready for AJ to enjoy.

At 11:00 AM, Blogger Blinders said...

Looks like they are setting you up for a huge letdown.

In round 2

At 12:41 PM, Blogger Randy G said...

I'm blushing from my reference today, but I am well enough to feel your nervousness. After all, I AM A MOTHER EFFIN Chitown Cubs fan and I know what can happen with sure things. 2003 ring a bell? Cubs up 3-1 on those damn pesky Marlins in the NLDS. Yeah, down in flames go the Loveable Losers once again. Your A Team hasn't blown it yet, so keep them hopes high. Down here in the south it's a big weekend for the OU vs. Texas game (or Texas vs. OU if you're from Texas). So as a gambling friend of mine says before big games, "Get you your tits up."

At 3:28 PM, Blogger pokerpeaker said...

Geez, man, why not just kill yourself NOW and then you won't be around to see the A's collapse?

Or you could be a fan and have a little faith. I understand, me being a Kansas fan and the Jayhawks' little-known shortcomings in the NCAA tournament, but come on.


If it gets to 2-2 then you can summon the dark clouds.


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