Thursday, September 28, 2006

I Love Tomatos

So Manfred Mann never did get, or advocated getting, wrapped up like a douche. That's stunning to me. Not simply that I've spent every post-release day on the planet thinking they had, but that I never questioned why someone would, indeed, enjoy being packaged in such a way. The song has now lost all meaning.

It reminds me of Marsh, a childhood friend who was notoriously hilarious about mis-heard/interpreted lyrics, like his take on Judas Priest's "Take These Chains," which go, in part:

Take these chains offf
Take 'em off my heart

Marsh's version?

Daisy's Danger
Take a walk on by

Oh if you only knew how funny that was.

I have a little post-Bash malaise, a Fun Hangover, if you will. Nothing I see on my immidiate social calendar provides a comparable level of anticipation or promise of debauchery. I am going to see the AL West Champs on Saturday night at the Big A (-hole), but with Loaiza (The Tijuana Turd) starting in front of half a Triple-A squad, my main enjoyment will stem from hearing all the stupid things said by Angel fans around me and, 'round about Beer #5, my sarcastic retorts to them. I'm mulling drinking a fair amount of adult beverages this evening and romping through the field in the Stars Crazy Re-buy, but that'll probably be a game-time decision, because I have a full slate of weekend activities that will require me to be rested and responsible.

I'm taking requests for my next trip. It's not exactly an experience on the level of DonkeyPuncher and Bobby Bracelet invading your home game. More like me crashing on your floor, complete with snoring and beer farts. I have an offer from the lovely April for South by Southwest in March, which is a definite possibiity. I'd love to hit up the NYC crew, take in an afternoon at The House That Ruth Built (before The Boss un-builds it) and feel the vibe of the City (not a euphemism. I don't think). The Land of 10,000 Lakes would be swell. Ah, who am I kidding, Minnesota sucks. But it'd be fun to play unsociable online poker at the bar with Chad. Seattle? Nah, I'd get arrested coming off the plane. Anyway, make a bid. I'm thinking spring. But I'm easy. Convince me.


I've been filing through the mental rolodex to satiate the huge public desire for more Donny stories. The problem with many of our adventures is they don't translate well to the page, what with the juvenile behavior fueled by excessive drug intake. An equally important factor is that we, along with Schotty and Kool Breeze, tended toward esoterica, inside jokes that only we would enjoy, so many of the more hysterical moments would take a lot of back story to explain. Others, like Marsh above, are simply "had to be there" moments. You had to see Donny with his new buzz cut doing Rickey snap catches and a little dance every time he made a play at the Hot Corner. Had to hear the utter confusion and tangental trainwreck when he said, "Are you my statement of you're just's not...that I'm not that really stoned." Needed to be in the back seat with Kool Breeze and I, laughing our fool heads off as Donny drove in the opposite direction of the miniature golf course, even though we smoked the Fatty in full view of the establishment's parking lot.

But I'll see what I can put together. In the meantime, if you haven't seen these yet, I've had two Donny stories in Truckin'. Both are as true as far as I remember them, which is to say, based on a actual events.

With the Lights Out

I'll Do Anyone


Mean Gene blew off the sandy beaches of Malvern, PA for a gig in Aruba, a head-scratching decision if ever there was one, but, you know, I suppose it's working out okay for him. He's been stalking doubleas in recent posts as our favorite Pressure Poker-ist makes his way through the field. I know Gene is heartsick over missing the Bash, so perhaps you can cheer him up by following his reports on the Ultimate Bet Blog. Good luck, gents.


At 11:15 AM, Blogger Chad said...

Minneapolis in the spring is great, though, because every hot real blonde girl that's been under jacket and scarf all winter suddenly realizes that they still have skin, and like to show it off.

Winter here blows.

I wouldn't have much of a floor to crash on because of moving to a new, much smaller place, but at least I'm within stumbling distance of all the cool, hip bars that are frequented by the newly drink-legal. That's something.

At 11:26 AM, Blogger BadBlood said...


+Underground poker
+Surprisingly good strip clubs
+Minor league baseball
+Surprisingly good strip clubs

At 11:52 AM, Blogger Drizztdj said...

And if you adventure into the suburbs, I promise to keep my pants up this time.

Maybe a Canterbury/Twins game/Strip Club/Uptown day?

At 12:26 PM, Anonymous mookie99 said...

"I have an offer from the lovely April for South by Southwest in March, which is a definite possibiity."

If this happens, you need to stop by the Big O for a tourney.

Thanks for playing in the tourney last night.

At 12:56 PM, Blogger change100 said...

I vote for NY. Because if you go... well I'll just have to go too ;)

At 2:29 PM, Blogger katitude said...

Can-Vegas, Eh?

Weekend of Feb 10th, details soon-ish.

At 2:48 PM, Blogger Daddy said...

Ha! Too easy.

Let me tell you about Indiana, and feel free to come on out whenever.

We've got the best pigfucking in the entire Midwest for starters.





A bit of the ole donkeyfucking. (In-out, in-out, out-in)

Some pigs we like to molest over behind my neighbor's tool shed. They're mostly piglets (baby pigs) but they can almost take a full fist now. You should see 'em, they's almost all growns up.

My cousin has a new donkey we haven't properly "broke in" yet if you know what I'm gettin' at.

Also, if fucking pigs is up your alley I see absolutely no reason why you shouldn't swing on by.

I'll save a cute one fer ya!

At 3:04 PM, Blogger April said...

Austin has minor league baseball too (and I bet our park wins for niceness), plenty of poker, and Adam would be delighted to take you on a strip club tour. And Indiana? Please, this is Texas. If you're really interested in fucking a farm animal or two, Arkansas is right next door.

I would, of course, love to see you in March, but if someone else wins the pleasure of your company then, mark Austin down for May. I'll gradutate then and will of course be having a rather large party.

At 4:54 PM, Blogger G-Rob said...

If you don't come to G-Vegas....I will fight you.

At a sneaky time to be determined by me.

At 5:00 PM, Blogger BigPirate said...

Carolina in the Spring is the prettiest place on earth.

The sun dresses will be out of the closet and on stunning Carolina girls' bare shoulders.

Two of the best College baseball programs are here (along with two or three more really good ones).

We have the most charming city in the Country.

There are at least four distinct bar-b-que regions.

Carolina girls talk real purty and don't mind a drink now and again.

We have a casino boat where you can drink and gamble on the high seas.

Whitewater. Canoes. Beer. Scary fun!

Bloggers all over the State.

At 8:20 AM, Blogger slb159 said...

I never fail to find amusement with your humorous younger days. As for alternative lyrics? Ha, that brought back something I can remember: My friend, Donnie, while listening to Skid Row, singing, "18 and life, its crowded"...

At 9:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm totally voting nyc, of course. i can even attest to the old-school-coolness of the house that ruth built (which is something i couldn't have done just a few short weeks ago).

top 5 reasons it would be cooler than any other spot:

of course, there's the strip clubs, and i'm totally not opposed to doing the tour with you.

your spiffiest wardrobe pieces will go to good use in the big city

you could get a total poker ego boost as you bamboozle me with multiple hammer plays, as my game is extremely rusty

it's nyc, duh..where you can hear gems like these for yourself

while i can't lay claim to various farm creatures for your molestation pleasure, there's always tranny hookers


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