High Five

AJ,

On this, your 5th Birthday, my gift to you, aside from the GameBoy, is to finally reveal all the ancient truths of the Universe and perhaps to answer some of the millions of questions you have asked me over the last five years.

In a fight, Superman would totally annihilate the Power Rangers, the whole lot of 'em. Superman is like Tito Ortiz and Samuel L. Jackson rolled into one, whereas the Power Rangers are more like the Jackson 5, fun to have around at parties, not so entertaining in a back alley throwdown.

Crayons are not to be eaten. However, if you find yourself in a situation where the ingestion of waxy cylindars is unavoidable, make sure you videotape it and put it on the internet.

Avocados are actually a fruit, not a vegetable, so when you say you don't like vegetables, you are not including avocados in that statement, so you should really try avocados as they are not only tastier than Super Sugar Crisp, they contain what is known as "good fat," also known as Essential Fatty Acids, which keep your skin pretty, your hair shiny and the rest of your body lubed up. And no matter what anybody tells you in your future junior high school locker room, having pretty, lubed up skin is not only totally not gay, but is rather a crucial trait to attracting the opposite sex, who, clear as I recall, are not openly swooning over guys with rampaging back zits.

We're taking you to Medievel Times tonight and though it's a secret, you can't read yet, so haha!

Always be polite to women; open doors for them, bring them soup when they're sick, buy them flowers. No, this will not help you get laid. In fact, most women hate to be treated well and will quickly take advantage of your kindness, break your heart, stomp on it and leave it beating weakly by the side of the road, but such behavior will make Daddy proud and if it keeps you a virgin a while longer than you'd like...well...that's okay with Daddy, too.

You're probably better off just completing or checking in the blinds of an unraised pot with a big ace, 'cause you're not gonna chase out many limpers, some of whom are probably ahead of you with baby pairs and others not far behind with live cards. You're out of position and you'll very often find yourself having to throw out a continuation bet if the flop is unkind, which is simply wasting chips against the retards you're gonna find in the nightly Full Tilt guarantees.

Life is too short to drink bad beer. Except when you're in college, so don't ask me to send more money.

I think it's heart-warming that you wish dinosaurs were still alive so you could be friends with a T-Rex but, and I haven't told you this yet so as not to burst that wonderful imagination bubble of yours, you and T-Rex wouldn't have gotten along too well. He'd probably have eaten you on sight, no matter how cool your Lego Pirare Ship is.

I'm not afraid of you growing up. I'm excited to see the boy and man you will become. A lot of people wonder "what happened to my Bay-Bee?!?!" but, to be honest, you were pretty boring for the first six months; nothing but pooping and crying and laying around like a lazy ass. Since, of course, you've made me laugh almost every day, given me heart palpitations on occasion with your daredevil climbing and fresh insight into a great many important things. I'll never leave your side, son, even if we're miles or two genenerations apart. I know the days will come when you'd prefer to be adopted by someone else, when my behavior--my very existence--is an embarassment to you, but that's okay. I've been there. You'll find you know less and less as you get older, slowly rolling down the knowledge mountain from the summit of 16 years old. Even so, I'll never stop leaning on you, trying to make the words sink in, hoping my influence gets inside your veins, lessons that I pray will remain with you even when I'm gone. There is nothing you can ever do to make me love you less. And with every passing second, I love you more.

Happy Birthday,
Daddy