Thursday, August 03, 2006

High Five

AJ,

On this, your 5th Birthday, my gift to you, aside from the GameBoy, is to finally reveal all the ancient truths of the Universe and perhaps to answer some of the millions of questions you have asked me over the last five years.

In a fight, Superman would totally annihilate the Power Rangers, the whole lot of 'em. Superman is like Tito Ortiz and Samuel L. Jackson rolled into one, whereas the Power Rangers are more like the Jackson 5, fun to have around at parties, not so entertaining in a back alley throwdown.

Crayons are not to be eaten. However, if you find yourself in a situation where the ingestion of waxy cylindars is unavoidable, make sure you videotape it and put it on the internet.

Avocados are actually a fruit, not a vegetable, so when you say you don't like vegetables, you are not including avocados in that statement, so you should really try avocados as they are not only tastier than Super Sugar Crisp, they contain what is known as "good fat," also known as Essential Fatty Acids, which keep your skin pretty, your hair shiny and the rest of your body lubed up. And no matter what anybody tells you in your future junior high school locker room, having pretty, lubed up skin is not only totally not gay, but is rather a crucial trait to attracting the opposite sex, who, clear as I recall, are not openly swooning over guys with rampaging back zits.

We're taking you to Medievel Times tonight and though it's a secret, you can't read yet, so haha!

Always be polite to women; open doors for them, bring them soup when they're sick, buy them flowers. No, this will not help you get laid. In fact, most women hate to be treated well and will quickly take advantage of your kindness, break your heart, stomp on it and leave it beating weakly by the side of the road, but such behavior will make Daddy proud and if it keeps you a virgin a while longer than you'd like...well...that's okay with Daddy, too.

You're probably better off just completing or checking in the blinds of an unraised pot with a big ace, 'cause you're not gonna chase out many limpers, some of whom are probably ahead of you with baby pairs and others not far behind with live cards. You're out of position and you'll very often find yourself having to throw out a continuation bet if the flop is unkind, which is simply wasting chips against the retards you're gonna find in the nightly Full Tilt guarantees.

Life is too short to drink bad beer. Except when you're in college, so don't ask me to send more money.

I think it's heart-warming that you wish dinosaurs were still alive so you could be friends with a T-Rex but, and I haven't told you this yet so as not to burst that wonderful imagination bubble of yours, you and T-Rex wouldn't have gotten along too well. He'd probably have eaten you on sight, no matter how cool your Lego Pirare Ship is.

I'm not afraid of you growing up. I'm excited to see the boy and man you will become. A lot of people wonder "what happened to my Bay-Bee?!?!" but, to be honest, you were pretty boring for the first six months; nothing but pooping and crying and laying around like a lazy ass. Since, of course, you've made me laugh almost every day, given me heart palpitations on occasion with your daredevil climbing and fresh insight into a great many important things. I'll never leave your side, son, even if we're miles or two genenerations apart. I know the days will come when you'd prefer to be adopted by someone else, when my behavior--my very existence--is an embarassment to you, but that's okay. I've been there. You'll find you know less and less as you get older, slowly rolling down the knowledge mountain from the summit of 16 years old. Even so, I'll never stop leaning on you, trying to make the words sink in, hoping my influence gets inside your veins, lessons that I pray will remain with you even when I'm gone. There is nothing you can ever do to make me love you less. And with every passing second, I love you more.

Happy Birthday,
Daddy

23 Comments:

At 11:12 PM, Blogger Roman said...

Happy Birthday, AJ!

 
At 4:56 AM, Blogger Donkeypuncher said...

Happy Birthday!

 
At 5:05 AM, Blogger Pokerwolf said...

Happy Birthday, AJ.

Well done, Dad. Keep up the good work.

 
At 5:49 AM, Blogger StB said...

Happy Birthday AJ.

Nice post Speaker. Very wise words, don't drink cheap beer.

 
At 6:28 AM, Blogger April said...

Happy Birthday AJ!

I'd say something witty but it's 6:30am and I need to go to bed now.

 
At 6:51 AM, Blogger slb159 said...

Happy 5th AJ! Now only 16 more years before you can legally get drunk. I send my best wishes.

 
At 7:38 AM, Blogger Chad said...

Great post.

Just when I think you couldn't get any gayer, you go and do something like this that makes me think you're not such a bad guy after all. =]

Happy birthday to AJ!

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger BigPirate said...

Tell AJ Happy Birthday from all of Daddy's friends.

 
At 8:45 AM, Blogger Drizztdj said...

Wow, AJs b-day is only 4 days before Wyatt's.

Happy Birthday!!!

Another spot of advice for AJ...

If and when you are offered a drink called a "tornado" on your 21st birthday. Just refuse.

Those are all the sage words I have.

 
At 9:06 AM, Blogger Garthmeister J. said...

Best wishes, AJ!

And we're really, really serious about the beer thing.

 
At 9:43 AM, Blogger obp1000 said...

happy birthday, AJ.

If you ever really want to know everything there is to know about baseball, come talk with uncle OBP in Minnesota...and I'll explain to you why your daddy insists on you throwing everything with your left hand. ;)

 
At 11:47 AM, Blogger iamhoff said...

HBD AJ. Listen to your dad, especially about the beer and checking the blinds with an unraised ace. Speaker, again you set the bar, both in writing and in the example of living you set. Bravo!

 
At 12:27 PM, Blogger CarmenSinCity said...

That was so sweet! He looks just like you. Happy Birthday AJ!

 
At 1:17 PM, Blogger Div said...

Happy Birthday AJ.

 
At 1:34 PM, Blogger ToddCommish said...

Good job, dude.

While you're at Medieval Times, don't just boo the opposing knights, boo the announcer. It's entertaining and tilts him off his script.

 
At 3:26 PM, Anonymous pdxrogue said...

Nice piece of work (parenting) and the writing ain't too shabby either!!

 
At 4:06 PM, Blogger Huge Junk said...

Happy Birthday AJ!

Stick by dad, he won't steer you in the wrong direction. He may try to put you in a striped shirt and muss your hair up with 4 different products, which will feel gay, but chicks like it.

 
At 7:47 PM, Blogger elizabeth said...

what a sweet birthday letter, i'm sure he will treasure it when he can read and far beyond. and the picture..what an adorable boy. yes, i mean the kid, speaker...though you're not so bad either.

 
At 9:41 PM, Blogger Kel said...

nice sentiment

make sure to save a hard copy for AJ

dare you to scrapbook it and post it {evil cackle}

 
At 7:03 AM, Blogger drewspop said...

Well done man. Happy birthday to AJ.

 
At 11:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a four your old and your gay poker blog brought a tear to my eye. you can put into words thigs i think and every day. you are the man!! I hope to meet you if i get a chance to make it to the bash at the boathouse.

well done speaker.

 
At 6:08 PM, Blogger Daddy said...

I'm your biggest fan.
Seriously, fuck.

Christ, I love you.
Call me, I lost your number.
Seriously.

 
At 9:25 PM, Blogger Veneno said...

Happy Belated Birthday little Speaker! You are very lucky to have a Dad who tells you how much he cares. Make sure and give him lots of hugs and kisses in return.

As for his insight on "truths of the Universe", for the most part, he is correct. When it comes to woman, he might have mislead you slightly.

"Always be polite to women"...Amen!!!

"Most woman hate to be treated well"...not true. I for one love to be treated well..not that it happens mind you. And not all women "take advantage of your kindness, break your heart.." There are a few really good ones out there that will love you with their whole heart and be loyal, loving, and kind.

I love the picture..you guys are too cute!!!!

 

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