A Man's Couch Is His Castle

The latest issue that has kept me up nights is my seemingly endless and fruitless search for a new couch. Complicating my quest is the odd shape of the living room in my new apartment. I hate square, boxy floorplans, but that aversion has left me with an obscenely rectangular layout in which to park my (obscenely large) TV. Furthermore, there is only one place where the TV can sit, stifling any creativity I might have been able to muster. As such, the traditional sofa/loveseat combination would overwhelm the room and if there's one thing I need in my life right now, it's balance.

Trying to find something smaller in America in the 21st Century, where ostentation reigns, is nigh impossible. When I do find something that will work, it's either in a poor color or awful style. I saw one last night that had the perfect dimensions, but the design was befitting a much older person than I. Say...120 years older. The thing looked like it should have come equipped with plastic covering. Then there is the one from a higher end retailer. A little pricy, but the fabric was like butter, the lines clean and contemporary and over 800 colors and patters to choose from. I love it. Except for the part about delivery taking 12 weeks. That's a long time to be sitting on one's ass on one's floor. Still, I could have been talked into waiting (and taking one old loveseat from my currrent house for the interim) if the rather hot saleswoman had laughed at even one of my very clever and hilarious witticisms. I suppose My Game is a little rusty. Note to you service/sales workers out there: Give lots of mercy attention to people trying to rehabilitate their social lives. You can basically sell them the world.

The tack I've been taking is to a get a mini-sectional, basically the length of a standard sofa (that would cover the width of the rectagle) with a Chaise on one end that would fill up some of the space on the length of the rectangle. It seems a good fit in my mind's eye. I just can't find the right one. The local cut-rate warehouse (which offers same day delivery) has some that come close, but there's one or two things wrong with each. Crate & Barrel has a sweet ensemble, but I'd have to drive down to OC to test sit one and then I'd get to pay $3K, which seems like a bit of a "name" overlay.

I'm not a big fluffy couch kind of guy. I like a classic look, the basic geometry of a 50s style couch: square, clean. These styles seem to have an almost contemporary look about them (classic and contemporary? That can't be. "Retro" maybe?), but not a "trendy" contemporary because you don't want to be left with something out-dated in two years time. Remember those bedroom ensembles of the late 80s in black lacquer? Those were FANtastic. Loved coming on one of those in the middle of the Grunge Era and asking the owner if they still had their Z Cavaricci and Generra (the shirt! It changes colors according to your body temperature!) wardrobe in the closet. And yes, I'm calling myself out, too, because I had plenty of both those clothing manufacturers hanging in my hyper-colorful wardrobe. I seem to recall one favorite outfit of mine that was a pair of white cotton Generra pants that I'd peg at the (bare) ankles, topped with a long sleeved, silken, collared shirt in baby blue with black accents worn untucked and with the top button fastened. A pair of worn huaraches completed the picture and Sweeet Georgia Brown did I look like a poof. How I got female SDSU co-eds into my dorm room bed I will never know.

I really have no point. Sorry. There's no universal truth in my search for a couch. No entertainment, either. So I'm taking an 0-fer today. I can't homer every AB. Wait. Here. Somebody suggested pictures from the Castle the other day? Prepare to mock:



Yeah, I couldn't get anyone, male or female, into my Castle bed with that look. Good picture of Morley, though.