Altered States

I'm not sure what's going on with me. Something. My initial reaction is that it's good, because that ache is gone, the one that's impossible to reach, the one that drove me to sobs, desperation, anger. Along with that ache, my rampant jealously has departed, as well. What had been a barage of self-inflicted images of my wife with this fucking poet...gone. Yes, my mind floats that direction at times, but I can easily push the thoughts away. What is this? Is it healing? Or is it denial? Again.

I've had two very good days. Even-keeled and, at times, delightful. On Monday night, my wife and I had a brief, contentious exchange before I went over to my Mom's for a while. She had to talk to me. It was nothing new or relevatory, but it was fine and we watched '24' and I went home to a sleeping house.

Tuesday morning, I woke up feeling better and went to my therapist. She wasn't surprised to see the wife not with me and eased me through an hour of pertinent discussion. I left there understanding a little more, I think, not only about what happened--and is happening--between the wife and I, but some areas I need to shore up regarding me, as far as being a parent and not involving AJ in the dispute. But you could not say I walked out of there thinking I had a chance to save my marriage.

My Mom thinks it's salvagable and Tuesday night, she invited the wife over for a talk. Mom is a religious person, a firm believer in God, and has turned to Him since finding out about the wife's decision. Mom is every bit as devastated as I am, feeling not just for me and herself, but for her adorable--and perfect--grandchild. And she has counseled me throughout the past few weeks to maintain a positive attitude, to find strength in my own belief in God (which wavers). I've not been able to do that. I've not been able to faithfully and honestly ask for God's help in this matter. Because I don't feel it.

My wife and Mom spoke for a couple hours and she came home in a good mood. Mom seemed to think she made some inroads, though I have my doubts. The wife and I, dare I say, enjoyed each other's company last night, laughing and talking without that oppressive tension that has hung over our recent relations. I went to bed, leaving her awake at the computer and when the idea came to me that she was just waiting for me to retire so she could e-mail him, well, I just let it fly off into space where it had no effect on me.

With the help of the therapist, Mom and some literature I've been reading, I've managed to affect a calmer demeanor, as well as a more patient self. It's clear what I have to do. Whether my actions have any effect on the wife...well...I think that's out of my hands. At this point, she is unwilling--or even unable--to receive me, to feel anything I have to offer. That's okay. I'll continue to offer. Not for her, but for me, for AJ.

Tonight, we had dinner at California Pizza Kitchen and if it was a little strained, it was still mostly okay. AJ was acting up, so we did get to join as parents to discipline him. My good mood remained unchanged.

Maybe it's because I'm not looking for positive signs or redemption in her every word or deed, which keeps my mood more stable. Maybe I'm getting used to her ritualistic ignoring of my more personal thoughts (which I share with her in e-mail; safer that way). Instead of basing my attitude on the potential outcome, I'm staying in the present, trying to live up to the standards I've set for myself.

Of course, I'm not so naive to think some worse days are in store. Hell, I've probably just jinxed myself and will wake up tomorrow frothing and looking for the nearest Louisville Slugger.