Someone Got Outta School Early Today

That mythical place from whence the words come has been dry lately. Part of that is I'm over writing about the bad beats. Really thought I'd turned the corner last week, only to be pistol-whipped out of two tourneys the last couple days by two-outers. And I have no strategical advice to offer about how to actually win when an 11-1 favorite on the flop.

So, I awoke this morning figuring I'd have another day off, completely devoid of inspiration or gumption to fill the space. Then BG and Al came along with one of their classic e-mail exchanges (one of my favorite things on the entire internet) and the subject is something near and dear to my heart. Go read them. I'll wait.


So, anyway, BG references Jennifer Runyon, a fairly obscure blonde number from the '80s perhaps best remembered for her role as Gwendolyn in "Charles in Charge." I first met her acquaintance--mouth-wateringly so--in "Up the Creek," a another in a long line of "Animal House" wannabes, notable for the fact this one actually starred Tim Matheson, basically playing a slightly older, grubbier Otter. I seem to recall enjoying the film, partly because there was nudity, including a couple scenes involving Jeana Tomasina, another '80s favorite of mine who you might know as the brunette in the ZZ Top videos of that Era.

ANYWAY, Jennifer Runyon was one of "those" girls for me in the '80s. But, I'm not actually gonna write about Jennifer Runyon (coulda fooled us, ass). I'm gona write about her decade-later doppleganger, another sprightly blonde chick with a curious entertainment resume. In fact, I would say, among obscure, no-name, barely-working actresses, this one's got the greatest resume of all-time. Of the five credits on her IMDB page, two of them are "Dazed and Confused" and "Swingers."

Ladies and gentlemen, Deena Martin.


You may not recognize her from that shot from "Dazed and Confused," the best I was able to find, but she played the crucial role of Christy, the "skank shift" Vegas cocktail waitress/trailer-dweller in "Swingers." If she never does a single role the rest of her life (and odds of that appear pretty good based on her credits page), she will always be able to claim participation in two of the Quintessential Comedic Films which So Perfectly Captured Their Era.

I had the distinct pleasure to live in and experience both those ages. Yes, I was a bit young to partake like the characters in D&C, but with a brother six years my senior, I saw those guys walk through my house almost every day. Bad clothes, bad hair, much pot. "Swingers," on the other hand, well, it's no exaggeration to say that movie changed my life. For one, it was SPOT. ON. That Derby/Swing Dance scene was portrayed detail for detail (owing, at least partially, to the fact that most of the people who regularly hung at The Derby were in the film). There are at least half a dozen moments in that movie that I personally experienced. Sorry to say, most of those moments were Mikey's bouts of plummeting self-esteem. On the other hand, seeing my pathetic self 40 ft. high pretty much slapped me out of any self-confidence with the ladies issues I had.

That is not hyperbolic and I'll tell you why.

You know when Mikey drops those lame lines on chicks? "We're not in Kansas anymore" and "Lorraine, like the quiche?" I've done that. Not because I'm not clever enough to think of something a little more orignial. But because, at that time, I approached women with trepidation and being able to say ANYTHING was a victory for me. Naturally, what would come out of my mouth was the most simple rote response, which hardly would project my actual personality. The only thing I can say is that I never called ayone's answering machine six straight times at 3 in the morning (the most fabulous cringe-worthy scene in cinematic history).

So, Mikey showed me the light. And it wasn't three months after I saw that film that I found myself at the Derby with my roommate Paddy, who had set us up with some young vixens. We practiced our clumsy swing with them and I even took a bit of liking to one of them, a brunette UCLA med student. The problem was the much hotter blonde across the room who kept glancing my direction. So even while I was developing a connection with the future doctor, I was trying to figure out how to make my way across the room. I eventually did, trying to camoflauge my movements. I made good time with the blonde--no dopey jokes--and when her friends decided to pick up and leave, I got her number.

We left shortly thereafter and ended up at a Denny's with the first group of girls, including the brunette. She called me on my flirtation and said she saw me getting the other girl's number. Before I could even think, before some Mikey-ism came out of my mouth in feeble defense, I said, "Oh her?! She's the little sister of an old buddy of mine from high school."

She bought it and we eventually dated briefly. Mikey to Double Down in three months. And, for that, I'll always think fondly of Deena Martin, even if I never actually got to see either of those Derby girls naked.