Tuesday, August 23, 2005

The Poker World Reacts

The news that Internet Poker Hack Joe "The Librarian" Speaker has quit the online game has shocked the gambling world. Stunned reactions are pouring in from all quarters*:

Mike Sexton: Look at this Vince! The Librarian has gone to the matresses.
Vince Van Patten: Incredible, Mike. La biblioteca esta cerrado. Lending privileges have been revoked.
Mike Sexton: Indeed. I really don't understand this play, Vince.
Vince Van Patten: He's finished, chapter and verse. His plot exposed, his conflict resolved.
Mike Sexton:: You have any more?
Vince Van Patten: No, I think that's it.

Dr. Pauly: When I heard the news Speaker dumped the game, I was taking a piss next to a cross-dressing hooker. He/She was quite taken aback, thinking it was an unusual move. No more unusual than your gold lame dress paired with that massive Adam's Apple, I thought.

Felicia: Good idea. He sucks at poker. Maybe when he gets done crying all the time, he'll come back.

Antonio "The Magician" Esfandiari: I love myself too much to care.

Iggy: Breaks are always good. Often one comes back as a totally different--and better--player. By that I mean, he should clear out his Party Poker account and when he's ready to return, do so under an assumed name, with a new bank account, using BONUS CODE IGGY!

Norman Chad: Boy, this guy shut it down faster than my third ex-wife on our honeymoon.

Chad: Pansy.

Boy Genius: This reminds me of growing up in Utah, barren wasteland of hopelessness. It also reminds me of the sub-plot in "She's All That."

drizz: I find, when it all gets to be too much, that listening to Nelson's first CD soothes me. Gunnar and Matthew have healing powers.

AlCantHang: First the smokes, now the poker. If this joker gives up drinkin', he's off the list.

Lee Jones: Joe Speaker has been silenced! His voice gone mute! At least he's got a couple grand to take away with him. Not a bad effort, Joe. I'm sure he'd liked to have had more, but my RNG started treating his nuts like a speed bag at Kronk Gym.

BadBlood: All this guy needs is two tickets to the Gun Show.

My Mother: Thank God!

Norman Chad: I gave up online poker once. It let me spend more time with my 7th ex-wife. I don't recommend it.

Bobby Bracelet: Pansy.

Grubby: I was telling this stripper about the time I split the atom and how it related to poker and she asked if I'd heard that Speaker quit. I hadn't, but I didn't care, because this one had a rump like a pomegranate that was fixin' to spill its juice and I wanted to be there to sop it up.

Vince Van Patten: The Library is closed!
Mike Sexton: You already used that one, Vince. In spanish.
Vince Van Patten: No!
Mike Sexton: Si.
Vince Van Patten: But I don't have any more puns. There's nothing funny about librarians.
Mike Sexton: Right, Vince.

Heather: He should get Matt Matros' book. Then his home address. And give it to me.

Jim McManus: This episode brings to mind an Andalusian parable, which I would happily relate had I not completely lost the ability to construct a coherent narrative.

Norman Chad: I haven't seen an exit this abrupt since the first time my 12th ex-wife saw me naked.

*Celebrity, blogger and celebrity blogger voices impersonated.


At 11:43 AM, Blogger Steve said...

And when you get lured back...

Mike Sexton: And they caught him with his hand in the cookie jar, Vince! That post was nothing but a stone-cold-bluff!

At 11:43 AM, Blogger facty said...

Best Post Ever.

Seriously - little tears swquirting out the corners of my eyes funny.

Maybe poker break is good or bad - I don't know, but please keep blogging forever.

At 12:08 PM, Blogger BadBlood said...

Nice. very nice.

At 1:08 PM, Blogger Pauly said...


At 1:09 PM, Blogger Heather said...

Hee! This is great!

(although to be fair, you're missing Gracie trying to get it all on video tape, and April hoping it isn't contagious and that if it is, that Phil doesn't get it)

Seriously - even if you take a break from poker, don't take a break from writing! :)

At 1:37 PM, Blogger One_Outer said...

Awesome. The BG one almost made me cry laughing. That is so spot on.

At 1:43 PM, Blogger Irritable Male Syndrome said...

When I read your post yesterday, that is exactly what went through my mind.


At 6:23 PM, Blogger The Bracelet said...

I agree wholeheartedly with Chad and your initial thoughts on what my reaction would be.


At least now you can finally focus on the important things in life like the counterclockwise swirl, finding the ultimate porn index site, and boobs.

At 9:45 PM, Blogger doubleas said...

I remember when I first found your blog. You had me laughing out loud. You never cease. Amazing post.

At 10:45 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

I shall contact Gunnar to serenade your next visit to the office.

At 6:25 AM, Blogger Ignatious said...

lol - all hail the librarian.

At 8:19 AM, Blogger Todd said...

You're missing the Poker Superstars commentary from Chris Rose and Michael Konik. Other than that, brilliant post.

At 3:52 PM, Blogger BigPirate said...

From the obvious kid in suspenders carrying a box of cracker jacks: Say it ain’t so, Joe.

Lars Ulrich: I own the internet and was about to shut him down anyway.

James Hetfield: What Lars said.

Churchill: He has gone on to the end. He has flagging strength and confidence. His island is defenseless. Funny enough, the costs may not be so bad.

Douglas McArthur: He shall return.

G.S. Patton: Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap.

Ralph Wiggum: The doctor said I’d lose less money if stopped shoving it up my poopy-hole.

Sisyphus: See you at the bottom.

Mother Teresa: Pansy

Newton: An unplayed online poker hand tends to remain unplayed until you get your head screwed on right.

Muldar: I believe there is an alien/government conspiracy wherein messages are flashed in the surfaces of cards, forcing them to play insane hands such as 72o. This eventually causes a temporal shift in their personal timeline, in which they create a fantasy world where they believe they are not playing online poker, but, in reality, they are continuing to feed the beast.

Scully: Kiss me Joe. Non-smoking librarians are sexy.

Arthur Carlson: I swear, as God is my witness, I thought that Joe Speaker could fly.


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