For the Dads
As I will spend this Father's Day weekend being fanned by palm fronds and massaged by buxom brunettes, I have asked my three-year-old son AJ to fill my blog quota. Happy Father's Day to all you fathers and sons and daughters out there.
Sunday is Father's Day and my Daddy says he's not going to do anything all day. In fact, he said he's not going to do anything all weekend. That's what Mommy gets for turning her birthday into a week-long carnival of events and sloth. Knew that would come back around. Wait'll you see what I'M working on for MY birthday. One of 'em is going to have to take an extended leave from work.
Anyway, Daddy says this is his weekend to sit around, be lazy and get pampered. I think "pampered" is a code word for poker. My Mommy and Daddy use code words all the time. They don't think I know what they are talking about, but I do. By the way, they also don't seem to know I can spell, either.
Since Daddy's not doing anything today, tomorrow, maybe ever, I thought I'd take over the blog. Boy, he never stops talking about this thing. I never hear the end of it:
"You should read what Pauly wrote today."
"Daddy is hilarious.
"Mini-Blood can check-raise his mother and you can't even keep your room clean!?!?!"
That kind of stuff.
Daddy's teaching me to play poker. We beat Mommy the other day. We had a match of 5s and Mommy didn't have a match but she bet anyway. I thought she had a bigger match, but it wasn't true. I wondered why Mommy would lie about her cards? Lying is bad, Mommy and Daddy said so. But Daddy said it was a "bluff" and bluffs are okay. Again with the code words. When I broke the lamp the other day and told Mommy I didn't, it was just a bluff. I think I did it wrong, 'cause I still got in trouble.
Grandma doesn't like it when I play poker. She doesn't like it when Daddy plays, either, but I like when Daddy wins because it means I get to go to Legoland. Mommy says Daddy was winning a lot a little while ago and that we'll get to go very soon, but now Daddy is not winning very much, so I'm not sure if we'll ever get to go. I suggested a "Legoland Stop-Loss." Daddy said he'd think about it.
Poker makes Daddy talk to the computer. Sometimes he doesn't say very nice things. I always have to remind him to say "goodness gracious" instead of some of the bad words he uses. What's a fucktard?
Sometimes when Daddy plays poker I like to climb all over him. I like to see the cards, the funny avatars and type "monkey" or "diplodocus" into the chat box. Daddy usually lets me. But sometimes he tells me to go away. I noticed he does this alot when the fucktards are around. The fucktards make Daddy angry. They make him smoke more cigarettes. I don't think I want to meet these fucktards, either.
Daddy was explaining something caled "The Gap Concept" to Mommy the other day. I thought it meant we were gonna go shopping for clothes. My Daddy likes to go shopping. He's funny with clothes. He makes sure everything I wear is the right color. I don't understand a lot of what he says, but apparently "pleats are out." He's very meticulous--hey, I'm almost four, I know what "meticulous" means--and never wants me to touch his clothes. Sometimes I like to pull on his shirt and hide my head inside. He hates that. The only time he doesn't seem to care about his clothes is when he plays poker on the computer. "Daddy, why did you take off your pants?" I ask him and he says, "Because I can."
I have had to go to bed early all week. Mommy said she and Daddy had to get busy on something and could only do it when I was asleep. What does "ovulation" mean?
I think it's another stupid code word. Probably for poker.