Sunday Hate List

Subway: Thanks for the pastrami sandwich.* More fat in that fucker than in both Rosie O'Donnell's thighs. A perfect compliment to the stale Fritos. Throw in some rancid milk and you've got some kinda combo there.

(*Author takes partial responsibility for being stupid enough to order Pastrami at Subway)

The Appellate Court of Illinois: This one time, when I was 8, I was throwing rocks across the street at a friend, rocks from a neighbor's side yard. I didn't see or hear said neighbor stomp up behind me, but I was plenty startled when he grabbed me by the upper arm and literally carried/marched me down the street to my house. I was scared and crying, BUT I DESERVED IT. Furthermore, my parents, being reasonable people, properly disciplined me and apologized for my behavior.

Try that now.

Television cameramen: Kenny Rogers only.

Donkeys: No, not that kind. Actual donkeys. Though I've been advised they are technically wild burros. They live in the hills above my home and they are fucking LOUD. Braying at all hours, occassionally waking me up with a start. Like last night, when I was a little drunk and a lot tired. We even have a street sign with a wild burro silhouette on it, the second funniest street sign of all time behind the ones near San Diego that warn motorists to be alert for illegal immigrants fleeing across the freeway.

iPod Mini: This is more of an iLove/iHate situation. I hate my birthday gift for all the problems it caused me installing the iSoftware, grating on my already frayed nerves (thank you, poker). No, my current Quicktime IS NOT running. In fact, it it has NEVER ran on this machine, just like it says in the Control Panel. Yet, there you are, not installing on my machine because my Quicktime is "running."

Oh yeah, and adjusting the volume down requires moving your fingers up. Isn't Apple the intuitive personal electronics company? Dummies.

Of course, I did force it into service and have spent the last 8 hours loading all kinds o' shit into it. I must say if my penis was an iPod, I'd masturbate more.

On that more positive note, remember to celebrate your freedom with alcohol, unsafe and insane flammables and charred meats.