Due to the mind-numblingly boring nature of last night's poker session, I'm bringing in a couple special guests* for today's report.
Mike Sexton: We're coming to you LIVE from the family room of internet poker also-ran Joe "The Librarian" Speaker.
Vince Van Patten: It's so quiet in here you can here a bookmark drop. One of those paper thin ones, you know, the kind that wouldn't make much noise. Hence, it's very quiet.
MS: Right, Vince. The Librarian is decked out in the home jersey of Liverpool's influential captain Steven Gerrard.
VVP: And no pants.
MS: That's right. No pants.
Dear and Patient Wife: You guys wanna hold it down? I'm trying to watch American Idol here.
VVP: Ohhhh, a strong rebuke from The Missus. Clearly she prefers Paula Abdul to Abdul Jalib.
MS: Noted. Let's get to the action.
VVP: The Librarian has folded 150 hands in a row. You could read "War and Peace" in between the flops he's played.
MS: Right, Vince. But look. He's checking out his hand. Pocket 7s.
VVP: He's gonna limp with it here. Try to pick up some late fees.
MS: And here's the flop: 10s 7d 4s. He's flopped a set, Vince.
VVP: He has indeed, Mike. Three sevens. Jackpot.
MS: Oh, and look at this, he's gonna check it! Even with two spades on the board!
VVP: This kid's got ice water in his veins. He's seen how tight the table is and he's gonna gamble on a big pay day.
MS: He's just gonna call the small bet here. Anonymous internet player has a pair of sixes and put $2 in the pot.
VVP: Let's see the turn.
MS: A ten! Oh boy.
VVP: The Librarian has filled up like the book return bin at closing time.
MS: Let's see what he does here, Vince. He checks again! Let's see if his opponent falls for it. He does! He's moved in for $4!
VVP: And another smooth call. This is a disaster for the anonymous internet player. The Librarian is binding him to this hand. He's read him like a book here, Mike.
MS: Let's see the river. A five! No help to either player.
VVP: What's The Librarian gonna do here?
MS: He's gonna bet, Vince. The question is how much? He wants a call here.
VVP: Ten bucks. And he gets it! The Librarian has scooped his biggest pot of the evening!
MS: Compelling play from this young man.
VVP: We'll be right back.
MS: Let's go to Vince, who's with our champion.
VVP: Thanks, Mike. So Joe, whaddya gonna do with the evening's winnings?
JoeSpeaker: Uh, it was only $3.75, Vince.
VVP: Regardless, a splendid display of patience and power in your game tonight.
JS: Well, I felt like I really had to focus in order to stay away from the 60 hands of ten-four off-suit.
JS: And it's pretty hard to fuck up when you make a boat on the turn.
JS: I guess what I'm saying is that I've known hamsters with the brain power to have played my hands.
VVP: And you certainly hit the Habitrail hard tonight.
JS: I don't know what that means.
VVP: Now let's go to Shanna Hiatt.
JS: She's here?!?!?! Why am I talking to you?
VVP: No, she's not really here. Just wanted to get your reaction.
MS: So there you have it folks. Tonight's big winner, naked from the waist and flush with Happy Meal money, internet also-ran Joe "The Librarian" Speaker.
*Celebrity voices impersonated.