For Those of You...

...who don't follow me on Twitter and missed my almost completely live-blogging of the Pepsi 500 NASCAR race which I attended today with AJ, my brother, his girlfriend and her son, I present to you the almost complete transcript of my impressions (with postscript editorial notes).

First impression: White and trashy. 3 hours to the flag

Bloody mary count: 2 (I was out very late drinking on Saturday night.)

Chris Cornell playing in the concourse. Spooman. Hunger Strike. Doesn't Remind Me. (We were sitting in the grandstand eating and drinking when a live band obviously started up behind us. AJ says, "That sounds like Chris Cornell" and they were very obviously playing "Spoonman," but I figured "nah," and then the announcement came over the loudspeaker that it was indeed Cornell, so we scurried back out into the Fun Zone and holyfuckingshit they sounded great, "Hunger Strike" in particular. Took things to a whole new level).



Heavy on the Audioslave. Like a Stone. Be Yourself. (Chris Cornell is a handsome man.)

Burden in My Hand. Weeeeeee! (Amazing. My 2nd favorite Soundgarden song and they blew the emeffer out)

Outshined, obligatory Blk Hole Sun and Rusty Cage. NASCAR is awesome. (End of set list)

Bloody Mary count: 4. Its beer time. 15 minutes to racing. NASCAR a solid 8 so far.

They pray before NASCAR races. Amen. Bo Bice with the anthem.

Caution after 3 laps. Ghey. My money is on Kenseth @ 15-1. (I laid $10 on him at sportsbook.com.)

Drunk. And wearing earplugs.



I'm shirtless. Totally redneckin'. Next I knock out a front tooth.

Kenseth up to 17th from 37th starting pos. Good value play but Jimmie Johnson is dominating the proceedings.



AJ has to pee. 75 people in line. Potential emergency.

Emergency averted. Other Dad, ushering son into stall, "Dont touch the seat."

Kenseth up to 5th. Im good @ NASCAR.



Sun going down. Nice breeze. Still drunk and shirtless.

107 laps to go. Kenseth 9th. AJ asleep.

Kenseth back to 11th. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? (I'm hooked on "Generation Kill" And I'm Oscar Mike)

(And here is where it all went wrong.)

Home. Why no tweets in 3 hours? Lost my cell phone. Idiotic but true.

(Sigh)

(Kenseth finished 5th, but was never a threat to the winner. I continued drinking. Now, I want nachos.)

If I Posted Conversations With Random People Omitting the Other Half in the Inimitable Style of April

Hi.

What's new?

Not much. Same ol', same ol'.

No, I haven't.

I can't.

I just finished something I started nearly a year ago and entered it in a competition.

Yes, I still hate people. And am starting to be suspicious of capitalism.

176 pounds. Lean and mean. Biceps like tomahawks.

The camera adds ten inches.

Dutch field hockey players are my new screen saver.

No, the women's team.

I'm going to a NASCAR race next week.

Of course I'm going to bet on it.

Is it fucking December yet?