People Are Concerned
I got a phone call from an anxious buddy the other day who had a lot on his mind. I hung up on him, but before I did, I told him it was nothing personal. It's just that I don't talk on the phone any longer. Too close to actual contact with actual people. I prefer the hermitted life in which I've cocooned myself and informed him if he wanted to talk to me, I can be reached anonymously on the internet where I hide behind my meaningless fake name and cyber bravado. He hit me up (yo) later that evening on the girlie chat box. And he brought a friend.*
McSexy: Speaker! It's Mike.
MrSpeaker: Sexton? Nice handle, dude.
McSexy: It's the whole "Grey's Anatomy" thing. It's blowin' up. It's the new "hizzy fo' shizzy." Like it?
MrSpeaker: I think it's McGay.
McSexy: As if a poker blogger is in any position to comment derisively about something being gay.
MrSpeaker: Point taken.
McSexy: Vince is here somewhere.
VanSexy: Yo, Speaker of 'Da House! Bringin' the gavel down! Legislatin', regulatin'...
MrSpeaker: Oh boy. Hi Vince. You know I only tolerate you because I loved "White Shadow" so much, right?
VanSexy: That was my brother.
MrSpeaker: Tell me another Coolidge story.
VanSexy: Wasn't me.
McSpeaker: Morris Thorpe?
VanSexy: Stop it! We need help, man.
McSexy: Yeah, Joe. You gotta talk to Iggy.
MrSpeaker: About what?
McSexy: This hiatus! It's killing us.
VanSexy: I've got nothing to read on the toilet. My porcelein Bonus Code is boredom DAMMIT!
MrSpeaker: I don't know that there's anything I can do.
McSexy: You could bend down and whisper in his ear.
VanSexy: You could kick him in his wee little ass.
McSexy: Persuade him. Give him things he loves.
MrSpeaker: I could pry him with Guinness...
McSexy: There you go!
MrSpeaker: ...and greyhounds...
MrSpeaker: ...and gefilte fish.
MrSpeaker: I don't know...
McSexy: Yes, you do. Yes, you do. You know none of us can go on without him, his unique and irritatingly high-pitched little person voice.
VanSexy: Workplace productivity will skyrocket!
McSexy: Blogging hacks will stop putting "uber" in front of everything!
VanSexy: Oh the humanity!
MrSpeaker: He actually doesn't like people using that phrase.
VanSexy: But I'm desperate!
McSexy: Yeah, he's one of a kind.
VanSexy: Ctrl+X. Ctrl+V. Nobody does it better.
MrSpeaker: There are plenty of other poker blogs to read.
McSexy: But he dwarfs them ALL!
McSexy: Sorry, Vince.
VanSexy: The puns are mine! Always! You promised!
McSexy: That's right, Vince.
MrSpeaker: Look guys. Let me fill you in on something. You know where "Iggy" comes from, right?
VanSexy: Beyond the sun?
MrSpeaker: No, not physically, you nitwits. The name. It's short for Ignatious J. Reilly. Do you know that name?
McSexy and VanSexy: No.
MrSpeaker: It's from a book, a Pulitzer Prize winner.
VanSexy: Oh! Right! That was the little guy's name in "Austin Powers."
MrSpeaker: Close, Vince. The point is, "Iggy" is a fictional creation derived from a fictional creation.
VanSexy: Whoa. My head hurts.
McSexy: Yeah, it's like time bending back upon itself.
MrSpeaker: No it isn't.
VanSexy: It's like having six aces in the deck.
VanSexy: It's like that scene in "Austin Powers" where...
MrSpeaker: Enough! Listen. What I'm trying to tell you is this. Iggy is not "Iggy." He's a real person, one whom I admire greatly for his intellect, his friendship and yes, his humanity. I'll miss his posts. No doubt. But the person...he's not gone.
VanSexy: Can you give him my number?
McSexy: Mine too!
MrSpeaker: Sorry. We prefer to be contacted anonymously on the internet.
*Celebrity Girlie Chat impersonated