Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Re: Your Last Post

Dear Mr. Speaker (Acct # 16730376730),

Thank you for contacting http://www.selfpity.com. We have received your correspondance and one of our operators will reply within 72 hours. PLEASE DON'T RESPOND TO THIS E-MAIL. It is an automated program. If we gave you whiners free reign to pound our inboxes every time you have a bad day, no work would ever get done.

Regardless, we appreciate your business and are here to help. If you are feeling particularly vulnerable, we have a list of ready-made links to address your problems. Please see them below,

If you are drinking to forget, click

http://www.selfpity.com/nobodylovesyou

If you sob uncontrollably in a darkened room, click

http://www.selfpity.com/whatapussy

If you have problems with intimacy, click

http://www.selfpity.com/youlldiealone

If you are having a panic attack, click

http://www.selfpity.com/justdienobodycaresifyouliveanyway

I hope our service has been of some help to you and, as always, we appreciate your patronage.

Sincerely,
Ashwarai Ponephisisiahram
Customer Service Representative

9 Comments:

At 7:04 PM, Blogger sarahbellum said...

p.s. All your pity are belong to us.

 
At 7:09 PM, Blogger sarahbellum said...

Hrm. In an effort to not be a completely random commenter... I just wanted to say Hi, I'm Sarah, and I've come to your blog via the good doctor. I really enjoy your writing!

 
At 9:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Freakin hilarious! You rock JoeSpeaker.

 
At 11:14 PM, Blogger iamhoff said...

Tell the truth. That customer service rep is the REAL poker champ! I know it!

 
At 4:25 AM, Blogger Mr. Friendly said...

Hai,
We hope our website laughed at you! The persons at Seffpity.com have much love for you and all other depressed persons. That is why promptly answer calls, webclicks, correspondance, doubts, and marriage brokerships.

Thank you again for clicking on our site. If you have a doubt or wish to send some rupees back home to your family, please correspond me.

My name is:
Ravi Venkatramanalphabetsoup
President and Owner
SelfPity.com

P.S. Sorry for stealing the idea. Just trying to cheer you up.

 
At 7:26 AM, Blogger Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

The Speaker is my friend...Plus, he's almost as great as the greatest, Ricky Henderson. One day when you win the WSOP I will tell my kid (if I ever have one), son, there goes the greatest there ever was behind Ricky.

 
At 7:55 AM, Blogger littleacornman said...

I wa reading today of the motor insurance man with a large insurance company calling his company ( HQ in India) to ask about a vehicle he had to inspect.

"Can you tell me the size of the engine?" he asked.

He was put on hold for a while before being told "Thankyou for holding-we think it is about the size of a small coffee table"...

 
At 2:20 PM, Blogger tennyson said...

Its okay to feel sorry for yourself once in a while.

But man trust me try to focus on something constructive, it can give you new hope. You got skills man.

Remember its just a bunny.

And you have such huge claws.

 
At 4:14 PM, Blogger FatBaldGuy said...

Priceless spoof.

 

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