Saturday, May 21, 2005

High and Dry

Note to self: On the last hand of the re-buy period, ALWAYS play two suited big cards.

That's exactly what I did after an hour of trying to get blood from turnips. I kept getting big hands--including AA twice--and not getting paid off. IT'S A RE-BUY YOU JACKASSES! The tightest table I've ever seen in these things.

I managed to work my way up to T5000, which is fine, but below average. Then, I see KsTs in the BB as the break looms. A 5x raise from EP and two callers (the latter making my decision pretty easy). I call and see a flop of two spades, including the ace. Look who's drawing to the nuts! I check-call a grand, check on my turned nuts (checked behind) and fire out another grand on the rag river. Pre-flop raiser pushes his remaining 2700 (two pair, AQ) and I'm at nearly 10K at the break (and add-on coming up).

Only got $31 in, so I'm getting an excellent overlay on my money with only 850 remaining and a prize pool of more than $46K.

Now it's time to play.

(A suited Hammer is good when checked to showdown; I completed from the SB and pair of sevens takes it)


Another memo to self: Every time your son talks about smoking, don't relay the story to the dear and patient wife.

See I quit once before. I've quit many times before but I REALLY quit once before. Eight months I was smoke free. Cold turkey, too. And then just about a year ago, as we were preparing to move into our first house, I cracked. There is no excuse, but there was some pressure. Anyway, the result of that is my promises to quit after Vegas are met with serous skepticism.

The dear and patient wife herself used to be a smoker. She quit when she got pregnant, but resumed afterward. Then, on AJ's second birthday, she quit as a present to him and hasn't gone back since (coming up on two years now). Well, she has smoked two cigarettes in that time; both times in a severe stupor. The end result of those twin attampts was her puking. There's a lesson there, kids.

So, basically, when I told her I was gonna quit after Vegas, she dismissed me with a wave of the hand and a look of disgust. Because she's heard it before, and really, ex-smokers are THE WORST. So, I started to play the angles. "Honey, I need your support!" No. "Baby, I can't do it without you!" You suck. "For The Boy!" Bite me.

So, I'm on my own, apparently.

Ah, serendipity. Not only one of my favorite words, but once of my favorite occurences. I just hocked up some shit--which happens occassionaly--and went to spit it into my empty Newcastle bottle. What follows is an exact quote from the dear and patient wife:

"Don't do that. It makes me sick. Seriously, that's the only thing you do that makes me want to file papers."


I can't believe I didn't reveal this in the midst of the whole "secret shame" thing. I didn't think about it. Because it is de riguer for me.

Since I was a child, I have crossed my toes. When not wearing shoes--and trust me, in the early days, I had a few issues with shoes--I cross my pinky toe over the fourth toe (is there a generally accepted/medical term for the fourth toe?) using my feet. I sit like this a good 70% of the time when my feet are un-shod. My pinkie toes, after years of such abuse, both veer inwardly. It's the most natural thing in the world to me. I often don't even know I've done it.

And it freaks The Mrs. right the fuck out.

Kinda unique wouldn't you say? I've never run across anyone with this peculiar fetish, which might be attributable to the fact I rarely mention it in polite company. My mother used to berate me for it. Said I was going to deform myself. Which is exactly what happened, but what's a little deformity when comfort is involved?

So yeah, that might be my most secret shame.


Secocnd break in the re-buy. Yes, I'm blogging the entire way. A lot of time between folds. Fortunately, when I do get a big hand, I can get paid off. I saw, by my estimation, 8 flops that hour. But I doubled up with KK (seriously dude, have you been paying any attention? When I re-raised your minimum raise to 2K, you should have folded your shitty ATo. When you flopped second pair you REALLY should not have check-raised me all-in. Dumb motherfucker. Yes, I know I hugely benefitted, but stupid people still annoy me).

I'm sitting 77th of 436 with a well-above average stack of 26K.

My biggest regret is not getting a shot at the redneck over-better at my table. Okay, so maybe I'm pre-supposing that he's a redneck, but his avatar was wearing a cowboy hat and his only move was all-in and he had a big-ass stack. Bet of over 20K into blinds sitting at 300. He managed to win every showdown, too, working his way up near 40K, but he wasn't exactly showing down monsters. Just got called by idiots.

Sadly, he got moved.


Ah, big stack poker.

I'm mildly aroused right now.


Speaking of redneck over-betters, I just pulled one my own self. Ended up with a classic coin flip (re-raised all-in from the BB with A6s to a button raise who flipped Presto which held up). Decimated my stack, but, perhaps thinking I was on tilt, a gentleman just called my QQ with A5o and I doubled up. Still, I fucked up by not just calling the former hand. Or hey, even folding. One stupid mistake.

Not a good hour for me. I managed to hang in, but well below average (nearly 7x the BB) and sitting 124th of 153. Top 135 paid.

Ah. the classic dilemma. Try to fold into the money--such as it is--or push with your first playable hand. With the escalating blinds and no real big stacks at my table, I probably have to wait for a biggie. Chips roaring into the middle like nobody's bidness.

Stay tuned.

Well, we made the money. Currently sitting on a profit of $15.76. Cards suck though and it's push monkey time. For me.

River Stars!!!!!!!!!!!!

With only 4x the BB, I called a min. raise. Yes, leaving me with ony 2x the BB. But there were four people already in and the BB called as well. I had A8 of clubs. Flop was 944 with one club. BB bet out and I called, putting me all in. He is a huge stack in 6 figures, so I'm thinking it's a feeler bet. Three folds to me and I'm KINDA pot committed, so I'm in. BB/Big Stack has 93o. Rag turn. Ace river.

I have 12x the BB now.

Just got dealt two hammers in a row. I didn't play 'em.

It's been a coon's age since I've found a pocket pair to call my own. There's no earthly reason for me to still be in this tourney. Damn. I can't get a goddamn thing to play. Then there's the 3-outer on the river thing. Yet, I'm sitting on a profit of $60.

There's also no earthly reason the dear and patient wife and AJ are completely crashed out on the couch, considering the light is on and the ceiling fan is going and the tunes are at a substantial volume, but there they are, blissfully asleep.


You wanna know how hot it was here today? I'm wearing a single article of clothing at 11:10 p.m. Well, two if you count the hat.


I've folded my way to 4x the BB. Time runneth short.

Well, nevermind me.

I got the following in three straight hands:

ATo--Got the blinds, which is not insubstantial at 3000/6000
AKo--Blinds again
AJo--Yeah, of course. Got called by a shorter stack with JTs. He flopped two pair, but all spades. Ace of spades I have, says Yoda. Turn is another spade. I now have 12x the BB again.

Crazy fucking game.

Yes, I'm still in. With all of 4x the BB. I haven't seen paint since the Carter Administration and my stack is so feckless that any steals are gonna get called, with the behemouths at my table.

I posted the BB and had one more bet left. So I called the button's all in with T5o (HEY! It makes all possible straights!). Button had only Q8, so live cards and I turned the ten. Got the blinds once after that, and then doubled up with AQo.

Funny thing about that. I called an all-in with it. Mr. All-In had KTs. Which is an absured bet, considering he had 15x the BB. But anyway, I flopped the ace, but two hearts on board (his suit). "No heart!" I scream.

The dear and patinet wife pats me on the shoulder and assures me none are forthcoming.

She's right.

She's not so right when protesting my call of a 3x raise from the BB with 8h7h, getting 2.5-1 on my money. I flop an OESD and push. Big Stack folds.

I do believe I'm leading a charmed life at this point. After another blind score, I'm sitting 18th of 45.


Actual conversation:

Me: Honey, why are all your CDs scratched?
Wife (yes, she's awake now): Because of your son. Because we didn't send him to an orphanage when we had the chance.


Well, 33rd is the final placing. How I got there, I've no idea. I guess I could read this garbage, but it's awfully late and I'm awfully drunk. Good night's work.

All mis-spellings and grammatical errors are purely the fault of the author and in no way reflect the intellectual capacity or views of Blogger or any of it's subsidiaries.


At 6:33 AM, Blogger Royal said...

Joe, I'm still pissed about you cracking my AA with presto in the first Qualifier. j/k

It looks like you're running good heading into Vegas. We're expecting big things from you - get there and the rail will not disappoint me thinks!

At 8:32 AM, Blogger April said...

I love these posts. And your wife cracks me up. Is she coming to Vegas?

At 8:36 AM, Anonymous fhwrdh said...

i smoked close to a pack a day for 10 years until once day when one of the kids ran up to the sliding glass door and immitated me taking a puff and blowing it out. remind me over soco in vegas to tell you the foolproof way to quit.

At 12:19 PM, Blogger Huge Junk said...

That whole toe debacle you talked about is nothing big, just a form of mild retardation.

Or not. I'm no doctor.

At 5:58 PM, Blogger TenMile said...

Nice post.

The HAT -- Poker Stars hat?


At 12:13 PM, Blogger Drizztdj said...

Please do NOT repeat what kind of "hat" you were wearing :|

At 12:13 PM, Blogger peacecorn said...

Hey now. My intent to quit smoking after Vegas was met with an equal response. What's up with that?!

At 10:05 PM, Blogger StudioGlyphic said...

I bet you still smoke.


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